Parenting is difficult and often overwhelming. But being parented can be quite a similar experience for the child if not done correctly. As parents are the first of the world that a child sees, they have the biggest impact on their life.
It is commonly accepted that ‘parents know better’ and ‘parents know what’s best for their child’. While it gives us the confidence to do what we think is correct, we aren’t always right.
We are, after all, human beings. And every one of us has our own flaws, problems and quirks. Accepting this is the first step towards becoming a good parent. Because when we accept this, we acknowledge that we might make mistakes that can traumatize our kids and that we should be conscious about our actions and reactions when parenting.
For a child to grow up healthy and happy, it needs a good environment that supports it. As parents, it’s our duty to try and provide that environment for them by acknowledging and working on our mistakes.
Also it is important to understand that childhood trauma does not end in childhood and it can have serious impact on their behavioral patterns as adults.
Here are seven parenting mistakes that can cause childhood trauma.
1. Corporal punishments
Children are chaotic, and as a parent, it might be very difficult for you to make them listen to you. They test our patience like nothing else.
So, it might be tempting to give a tight slap sometimes. Or sometimes, our temper may get the better of us. Many still believe that corporal punishment is an effective way to discipline their child. But studies show otherwise.
Many studies now prove that children going through physical punishment grow into adults who have difficulty regulating their emotions. They are also more likely to develop disorders like anxiety and depression and also have difficulty engaging with the outside world positively. MRI scans even showed that the brain perceives corporal punishment as very similar to grave threats such as sexual abuse.
Today corporal punishments are nothing but an outdated concept that has no scientific evidence of making a child more disciplined. Such parenting mistakes cause childhood trauma that is carried on well into adulthood and might lead them to be aggressive individuals or submit to aggression as that’s what they believe love looks like.
2. Yelling and shaming
So we can’t spank them. What about yelling at them? After all, they need to know that what they did was wrong, right?
And it’s also natural for us to shame them in public. After all, it will teach them not to do it again, right?
Wrong.
When we yell at our children or shame them in public, we are doing more harm than good. For one, it will scare them, and they will start to fear us (as a result, they might start hiding things from you). Secondly, it will make them feel unworthy and embarrassed. And thirdly, it will lower their self-esteem.
These parenting mistakes can have a long-term adverse effect on the child and cause childhood trauma. They might start to think that they are bad people and that they are not worthy of love and respect. As a result, they might start to act out in negative ways.
So, we must find other ways to discipline our children. We can try things like talking to them calmly, explaining to them why what they did was wrong, and setting up clear rules and consequences.
Recommended reading: What To Do After Yelling At Your Child
Recommended reading: 7 Proven Anger Management Tips For Parents
3. Pressurizing for good grades
All parents want their kids to be successful, especially in education. We are ready to pour in our money to send them to the best schools and get them helpful resources to perform well academically.
It can be disappointing to see our child not perform well when we put in that much effort. And in such cases, we want to motivate them to do better. There is nothing wrong with that.
But it goes wrong in the following cases:
- Your expectations are too high.
- You disregard what your kid’s interests are.
- You talk as if they owe it to you.
- You withhold praising them as a tool to motivate them to do better.
- You compare them with others.
- You talk as if nothing else matters more.
When we do things like these, we make the child think that their worth is tied to their studies. So, they tend to think that they are dumb if they can’t score well and this affects their self-esteem.
It also gives them anxiety and stress when it comes to education because they have to be better at it for pleasing you. As a result, they won’t be able to enjoy a positive educational environment which is essential not only for their good grades but for their overall development.
Recommended reading: Your Child’s Exam is Not a Test of Your Parenting Capability
Recommended reading: 7 Signs of Childhood Psychological Abuse: Uncovering Hidden Damage
4. Fighting in front of them
Let’s face it: no two individuals can coexist without having some conflicts every now and then. It’s quite normal to have arguments about everyday things like chores and sometimes about big decisions.
While such conflicts are normal, what needs to be watched is how these conflicts are dealt with, especially when a child is around. Do you and your partner have a heated yet respectful argument? Do any of you let big words slip in anger? Or is there throwing of things and physical attack when things get heated?
Kids are intelligent and alert. They are very aware of what their parents are doing, even if you think they are in a closed room. And the relationship of parents greatly affects a child’s mental health.
When they see their parents constantly fighting and not resolving things peacefully, they learn that this is how the world works. They get the idea that relationships are nothing but full of pain and struggle. And as they grow up, because such parenting mistakes cause childhood trauma, they will find it difficult to form healthy and meaningful relationships themselves.
So, as parents, we must set a good example for our children when it comes to resolving conflicts. We need to show them that it’s possible to have disagreements without hurting each other.
Recommended reading: How Toxic Relationships Impact Children?
Recommended reading: Is It Okay To Argue In Front Of Kids?
5. Playing favorites
Boy or girl! A big question our society has. When we show favoritism towards one of our children, it creates resentment in the other ones. It makes them feel like they are not good enough and that they are not loved as much.
And this can lead to a lot of emotional problems for the child. They might start to feel inferior and worthless. They might also start developing unhealthy relationships as they try to fill the void of not feeling loved.
So, we need to make a conscious effort to make sure that we don’t play favorites (even without intention) and that we love all our children equally. This will help them feel secure and loved, and it will also make them feel like a part of the family.
Recommended reading: Girl’s Mom vs Boy’s Mom – Is There Any Difference?
6. Neglecting their emotional needs
We all see the world from our eyes.
So, when kids come to us with their problems and needs, it might feel insignificant from our perspective, but to them, it might be like the world is crashing on them. In these situations, they need to know that we are there for them and are present in the moment.
When we neglect our children’s emotional needs, it negatively affects their mental health.
They might start to feel unloved, unworthy, and unimportant. They might also start to feel like they are not good enough. Neglected kids tend to create more problems with the hope of getting some attention.
So, we should make an effort to meet our children’s emotional needs. We can do this by spending time with them, listening to them, and showing them that we love and care for them.
Recommended reading: 7 Signs You Have Been Raised By Manipulative Parents
Recommended reading: Respect Your Child, Love Is Not Enough
7. Trying to control everything
When we try to control everything in our children’s lives, we do it out of care. The intention is 100% good, but the results might be worse than you might think.
For example, a lot of us parents have trouble letting our kids fail. We don’t want them to feel sad or like a failure. So, we might actively protect them from it. Instead of keeping them happy and confident, it makes them dependent on us and stops them from developing resilience.
Not just controlling failure, but trying to control the overall experiences of our children can harm them. For one, it can make them feel like they are not capable of doing anything on their own. And secondly, it can make them feel suffocated and controlled.
Both of these things can lead to resentment and frustration in the child. Instead of helping them become strong and mature individuals, we might end up creating needy and indecisive humans.
So, it’s important that we give our children some space and freedom. We need to trust that they can make their own decisions and that they will learn from their mistakes.
Recommended reading: What Happens When Parents Deny Having Made Any Parenting Mistake
Recommended reading: Do you have space in your family to disagree, to think differently, and be respected?
To conclude,
Being perfect isn’t possible. But we can be more conscious in our behavior and actions so that we can be better parents. All parents make mistakes, and you’ve already taken the first step into becoming a better parent by increasing your self-awareness yourself by reading this article.
If you realize that you are making one (or more) of these mistakes, take action immediately. Address the issue head-on and try to fix it with your child. Remember, parental love and guidance is always the answer. If you need more help and guidance to be the best parent you can be, you can consider contacting a parenting coach and going for sessions.
Recommended reading: How Your Childhood Trauma Impacts Your Parenting Style
