We live in a world where the culture explicitly and implicitly implies that one needs to be an extrovert. Schools expect every child to have energetic class participation; workplaces encourage networking for current and future jobs.
Because extroverts tend to dominate social situations, introverts often feel left out of things. This leads to self-doubt in introvert children from a very young age as they start questioning their own preferences.
This, in turn, leads to introverts overlooking their strengths and trying to become extroverts, develop skills and behavior patterns that are not natural for them, thus setting off themselves in a downward spiral of reduced confidence and self-esteem. This is a big concern for me.
9 Tips For Raising An Introvert Child
1. Accept and embrace your child as such.
“Why are you being so quiet?”- A very common question that introverts often hear throughout their lives.
The question is more often than not presented in a way that being quiet is a bad thing.
Since introverts are widely misunderstood, it can be challenging for parents to raise an introvert child. As a parent, it’s important to tell your child that there’s nothing wrong with it. If you, as a child, have felt shy, you can talk to your kids about it.
Children who carry along the shame of being introverts will have more trouble opening up. As parents, normalize and validate your children’s feelings. The idea is to work with their strengths and not against them. This can make the child feel empowered.
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2. It is science.
A child’s temperament are innate.
Extroverts prefer the sympathetic side. This makes them always excited and raring to go.
On the other hand, introverts prefer the parasympathetic side. This induces relaxing muscles, being calmer, and conserving energy; thus, making introverts quieter and reserved individuals.
3. Introduce your child to new situations and new people slowly.
Both extrovert and introvert kids have their own pace.
Try reaching places early – be it a birthday party or any other event. Reach when the venue is when things are still quiet, and they have a sense of owning the space.
Alternatively, you can stand back from the action and observe it from a distance that your kid feels comfortable. Quietly watching for a few minutes will make them comfortable, and she may join the activity if she likes it.
If these options are not feasible, discuss with your child in advance what to expect at the event or how the environment will be there. This will help your child with some ideas to strike a conversation with anyone at the event and how to be at ease.
Don’t let your child opt-out. But do respect their limits even if they seem extreme to you.
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4. Help them find a social circle with like-minded people.
One of the easiest ways to do this is to encourage children to pursue their passion. If it is space and stars and astronomy that fascinates your child, let them join an astronomy club, attend stargazing sessions.
Encourage them to take up a hobby. Join hobby classes. This way, your child will have opportunities to socialize with kids having similar interests and (more often than not) similar temperament also.
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5. Praise your child when you find them taking a social risk.
Children need to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated. Children look up to us, parents, for validation, for motivation. They like the feeling of making their parents proud. This makes it extremely important to praise them the right way, to send across the right message.
Acknowledge their efforts. Let them know that you have recognized that your child is pushing their social limits. Tell them that you noticed how they ended up enjoying a situation in which she was initially hesitant to participate. Such positive reinforcement will boost their confidence.
6. Don’t label your introvert child.
This is the one single mistake that can completely erode your child’s confidence and lead them to develop a fixed mindset and believe that they were born flawed, and that they have to live with this their entire life.
Your child may start believing that only extroverts taste success and introverts are only bystanders. An extreme consequence of such belief is depression and mental illness.
Instead, encourage a growth mindset. Tell your child that their brain, their intellect, their skills can grow all through their life. Your child can develop coping strategies and evolve to be the person she has always wanted to be. This does not mean telling them to become an extrovert. They can keep their natural temperament intact and succeed by strategizing effectively.
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7. Teach your child to say NO.
Teach your child to stand up for themselves. It is often found that an introvert child are bullied more than an extrovert child. So teach your child that their voice matters.
Learning begins at home. Whenever your child has an opinion, make sure that they feel “heard.” This will reaffirm that their voice is important, and they will be at ease to articulate their thoughts better and deliver dialogue assertively in any social setting or school.
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8. Teach your child to talk about their emotions.
Allow children to express themselves so others can perceive and understand their emotions better. A healthy emotional outlet is necessary for children to deal with their emotions.
“Boys do not cry” or “good kids do not get angry” is not the way to go. Instead, encourage your child to express themselves more. Ask your child questions like, “Did it hurt much when you fell down?” or “Were you hurt when I yelled at you?”
Repression of emotions leads to unnecessary trauma. Study done by Pennebaker and his colleagues (1997) demonstrated that repression of emotions weakens a person’s immune system.
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9. Talk to teachers in school.
When teachers expect every child to be visibly energetic in school, introverts are at a disadvantage. When a teacher wants all children to be enthusiastic and raise their hand, an introvert child may want to interact one-on-one with peers or read as their preferred mode of interaction.
Often teachers talk about their low level of class participation in the parent-teacher meeting. Some parents take such feedback personally and even think it reflects badly on their parenting skills. Such feedback comes up as some teachers consider lack of interaction in class as being disinterested and inattentive.
On the contrary, researchers have established that introvert students are actually attentive, good listeners and internalize through observation rather than active interaction.
It may help to let your teacher know about your child’s introversion and their strengths. This can help the teacher interpret the child’s behavior better and respect their natural self and boundaries.
Conclusion: Raising An Introvert Child
I would sincerely want all parents out there to read the book “Quiet: The Power Of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. This book is brilliant. I have been an introvert child all through my life. While reading this book, the only thought that was crossing my mind was that I hope my parents had read this book; I hope my teachers had read this book when I was growing up. Life for me would have been much easier. I would have been saved from proving myself every time I deviated from the popular culture of extroversion.
Summary: Raising An Introvert Child
