The famous line ‘Sharmaji ka beta’ is one that almost every one of us have heard. In kitty parties, social gatherings, and parent-teacher meetings, there is always one Sharmaji ka beta that outshines others. While the parents of this ‘otherworldly species’ don’t fall back in heaping praises and counting all the virtues of their child, the parents standing on the periphery are not too far behind in scolding their child and asking them to see how well this child has performed.
“Learn from him! He secured first place.”
“Look at her! She is so obedient and docile.”
Sounds familiar, right?
This whole equation of ‘ek woh, ek tum‘ is wrong on so many levels, but Indian parents are competitive subconsciously and tend to pressure their children to surpass others. And not just surpass others but beat them at their own game. So, if a child is happy being a backbencher or a guitar player, Indian parents would want them to top the next math quiz.
Here is a question for you – Why compete with others? Why make your kid do what others are doing?
Don’t compare your kids – Here’s why?
While you ponder over this, let’s discuss why you should never compare your kids – not with others and definitely not with each other. And how such comparison festers like a wound halting your kid’s growth as a person.
1. House of unhappiness
Comparison paves the path for unhappiness. And subconsciously, parents often chase unhappiness. As long as you keep comparing your child with others, be it in academics or behavior, you will never be content, and this discontentment will lead to unhappiness in both you and your child.
Like you have expectations from your child, they too have expectations from you. But such discontent will make them feel that they are not good enough. They will start questioning their self-worth. This can make them grow feelings of inferiority and that they lack capabilities.
2. Lack of individuality
Every time you compare your child to someone, you are presenting them with an example of what you consider to be a ‘good kid’ or how you want them to behave. This can make your child want to be more like the other child, not their true self, as your child seeks your approval. They want your love and appreciation, so they begin to curtail their true feelings and needs. In a way, you are molding your child into a copy of someone else’s child.
Then where is your child’s identity?
Comparison diminishes their individuality. As a mother, you have to learn to accept them for who they are and not what you want them to be. Just telling them that they did well and that you love them as long as they are good at their core is the only thing they truly need from you as a parent.
3. Sibling Rivalry
While sibling rivalry is a common part of growing up and it often develops as a need to seek more attention from parents, comparison between your children can give rise to a very destructive.
Sibling rivalry is cute as long as you are pulling ponytails and painting silly pictures on each other’s faces. But when your children start thinking that you love the other more than them and start throwing punches at each other because they feel unloved, it doesn’t appear that cute anymore.
Comparison can give rise to insecurities, resentment, and other negative feelings which, if not addressed timely, can be very bad for interpersonal or familial relationships.
4. Detachment
Your comparison can force your children to detach themselves from you as a self-defense mechanism. Because they don’t want to get hurt any more, they stop caring about your or other’s opinion of them, which can further negatively influence them and lead them on a path of self-destruction. Research studies show that people practice detachment as a coping strategy to feel less tense or anxious.
5. Physical and Psychological Disorders
Psychologists reported that when we compare our kids, we increase their anxiety and stress levels. Similarly, numerous researches have supported the claim that social comparison can cause depression, anxiety and even the development of chronic illnesses.
Peter McCarthy and Nexhmedin Morina, in their study, did a meta-analysis of the association of social comparison evaluation with depression and anxiety, concluding that there is a significant association of social comparison with depression and anxiety.
Conclusion: Don’t compare your kids
Learn to accept your child for who they are. Kids are not perfect. They are human beings and if, as a parent, you fail to accept their faults and quirks, they will always feel no one will ever love them truly for who they are. You do not want your child to play a role at home. Home should be the place where they can be who they are without fearing judgmental comments. That doesn’t mean you don’t correct them when they are in the wrong. As a parent, that’s your duty; but acceptance should be there. Don’t get caught in the comparison trap.
