No matter how much you love your children, being a parent can be difficult. If you experienced trauma in your childhood, it can be even harder. Trauma can impact the way you relate to your children and the way you parent them. Childhood trauma impacts your parenting style.
If you’re struggling to cope with your own trauma, it’s difficult to be present for your children the way you want to be.
So, you must understand your traumas and the potential impact they can have on your parenting style.
Once you are aware, you can work out ways to heal from your traumas and ensure it doesn’t affect the kind of parent you are.
What Is Childhood Trauma?
There is a lot of talk about childhood trauma lately. But is it exactly?
Childhood trauma is any type of traumatic experience that happens during childhood.
This can include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, witnessing violence, or growing up in a chaotic or unpredictable home environment.
Childhood trauma is any type of traumatic experience that happens during childhood. This can include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, witnessing violence, or growing up in a chaotic or unpredictable home environment.
Some children are more susceptible to trauma than others. And the magnitude of the incident doesn’t have to be too high to result in trauma.
Recommended reading: 7 Parenting Mistakes That Can Cause Childhood Trauma
Factors that increase the risk of experiencing childhood trauma
Factors that increase the risk of experiencing childhood trauma include:
– Having a parent with mental health issues
– Having an abusive parent, either physically or emotionally
– Growing up in poverty
– Being a member of a minority group
– Experiencing a natural disaster
Symptoms of childhood trauma
The symptoms of childhood trauma can vary from person to person. Some common symptoms include:
– Depression
– Anxiety
– Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
– Difficulties regulating emotions
– Challenging relationships
– Low self-esteem
– Substance abuse
If you experienced childhood trauma, some of these symptoms will probably sound familiar to you. It’s important to remember that everyone experiences and copes with trauma differently.
How Does Childhood Trauma Impact Parenting Style?
Childhood trauma can have several impacts on your parenting style. These can include:
1. Difficulty bonding with your children
Do you have difficulty building a bond with your child?
Do you feel showing a lot of affection can make your child weak?
This can result from being neglected as a child yourself. Or because your trust was betrayed one too many times.
Not bonding well could be your way of preparing them for what you feel is inevitable in life. Or you might find it hard to trust your children and as a result, close off from them as a protection mechanism.
2. Controlling behavior
Do you watch every move of your kid?
Or tell them what to do and how to do it in every aspect of their life?
Both are impossible to do, but you feel compelled to try.
You want to make sure they make no mistakes at all.
While your intentions may be good, research has found that children with overbearing parents struggle to achieve academically, have healthy romantic relationships or even have a supportive friends group.
So, understand where your need to control is coming from.
It could be a result of feeling helpless and out of control during your childhood.
Or you might not have had a say in big decisions that impacted your life, so you want to make sure your child has a voice.
In either case, try to find a balance. Allow your children some room to grow and make mistakes.
3. Being overprotective
If you have been neglected as a kid or faced abuse, you might be overprotective of your children.
You might not want them to experience the same pain and hurt that you did.
Or you might not want them to face the same challenges that you had to go through.
This protection might manifest as helicopter parenting or not letting them do anything on their own.
While it’s good to be there for your children, you need to let them grow and make mistakes.
It’s the only way they will learn and become independent individuals.
Besides, the truth is we can’t protect our children from everything. And, sometimes, sheltering them can do more harm than good.
4. Avoidance of conflict
If you experienced a lot of conflict in your childhood, you might go to great lengths to avoid it in your own family.
You might not want to rock the boat or upset the status quo.
This might manifest as not setting any boundaries with your children. Or maybe you find it hard to say ‘no’ to them.
While it’s important to have a peaceful home environment, avoidance of conflict can lead to permissive parenting. And that’s not healthy for either you or your children.
It’s okay to have conflict in your family. It’s a part of life. What’s important is how you handle it.
5. ‘Toughening’ them up
Some parents believe that the best way to protect their children from trauma is to ‘toughen’ them up.
This might involve exposing them to experiences that you think will strengthen them, such as violence or difficult situations.
However, this can actually have the opposite effect. It can make your children more likely to experience trauma, not less.
It can also damage your relationship with them, as they might not understand why you’re putting them in these situations.
6. High expectations
This is common among people from minorities or who had to be great to feel safe.
You might have really high expectations for your children.
In Ta Nehisi Coates’ book ‘Between the world and me’, he talks about how black parents are overly controlling of their kid’s actions because they are terrified that a single mistake can cost a lot to a black child.
So, you want them to be perfect and you expect them to achieve everything that you couldn’t.
However, this can put a lot of pressure on your children and damage your relationship with them.
7. Reactive parenting
Do you often find yourself reacting to your children instead of responding?
Do you shout at them when they don’t listen? Do you give them the silent treatment when you’re upset?
This could be a result of your own childhood experiences. If you were constantly put down or belittled, you might be quick to react in the same way when your children don’t do as you want.
This is a vicious cycle that you need to break.
Because this reactive parenting can lead your kid to act out and get upset very easily. In the long run, they might have difficulty forming healthy relationships or they might even struggle with mental health issues.
So, What Can You Do?
If you’re struggling to cope with the effects of your own trauma, it’s important to seek help. This can be from a therapist, counsellor, or support group.
Improve your self-awareness and acknowledge the fact that your childhood trauma impacts your parenting style. It’s also important, to be honest with your children about what you’re going through. This will help them understand and support you.
Finally, remember that you’re not alone. Many other parents have experienced similar things. You can connect with them for support and advice.
