Every parent wants their kids to be intelligent.
Scoring straight as getting into the best colleges, and becoming high-powered professionals are all measures of intelligence that we often strive to achieve.
But there’s another kind of intelligence that’s just as important.
Actually, way more important.
Emotional Intelligence.
What is emotional intelligence?
It’s the ability to be aware of and manage your own emotions and understand the emotions of others. It’s about being able to regulate your emotions, develop effective coping strategies, and have empathy for others.
And why is it important?
Well, so what is the importance of emotional intelligence in kids? For one thing, studies have shown that emotional intelligence is a better predictor of success than IQ. In fact, one study found that success in life and work depended 80% on emotional intelligence and only 20% on IQ.
But it’s not just about achieving individual success. Developing emotional intelligence can also help kids to be happier and more well-adjusted; thus emphasizing the importance of emotional intelligence in kids.
Kids with high emotional intelligence are better able to cope with stress and setbacks. They’re more resilient and adaptable, and they have better social skills. They’re also more likely to be successful in school and develop healthy relationships. Another reason pointing towards importance of emotional intelligence in kids.
You have seen adults react to stress in all sorts of ways. Some people get angry, some withdraw, and some crumble under pressure.
Even you may have been one such adult.
But some people just seem to know how to manage their emotions. They’re able to stay calm and level-headed, even in difficult situations.
These are the people with high emotional intelligence. And these people weren’t born that way.
They developed their emotional intelligence over time through practice and experience. With the right surroundings. And it’s in our hands as parents, to provide such surroundings for our kids.
Recommended reading: Don’t Restrict Your Son’s Emotions
Recommended reading: What To Do When Your Child Talks Back Rudely
How surroundings matter?
Imagine this scenario: Your kid is going through something (you don’t know what) and is acting out. They are being very grumpy, not eating their food, and making a mess out of things.
You can react in the following ways:
1. Get angry and frustrated with them.
You shout and tell them off for their behavior.
“This is unacceptable.”
“Eat or I will punish you.”
“Stop making a mess!”
Result: Your kid feels worse and withdraws even further. They internalize their emotions and feel like they can’t rely on you for support. This, over time, becomes a part of their belief and leads to regression in their behavior.
2. Withdraw yourself
You don’t know how to deal with the situation, so you pretend like it’s not happening. You avoid your kid, hoping they’ll just snap out of it.
Or you don’t want to deal with their behavior, so you ignore them and hope they’ll stop on their own.
“I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“He’s just going through a phase.”
Result: Your kid feels abandoned and misunderstood. They think their emotions are not valid and that they have to cope with everything on their own. This can lead to them feeling isolated, helpless, and hopeless.
3. Be supportive and understanding
You try to understand what they’re going through and provide support.
“It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated.”
“What’s bothering you, my dear?”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Result: Your kid feels heard and supported. They feel like they can rely on you for help and that their emotions are valid. This fosters a sense of trust and security, which is crucial for their emotional development.
It’s the third reaction that helps in developing emotional intelligence.
Why?
Because that’s when they are getting a chance to unpack their emotions. That’s when they feel safe about their emotions. And that’s when they learn how to cope healthily with their emotions.
What you need to know?
Behaviors are just a manifestation of underlying emotions.
So, when your kid is acting out or anyone for that matter (including you), it’s their way of dealing with the emotional turmoil they’re going through.
Dealing with the behavior alone will not solve the problem.
You need to get to the root of the problem, which is emotions.
And that can only happen when you’re supportive and understanding. Only then will they feel safe enough to share their emotions with you.
Only then will they feel like they can rely on you for help.
And that emotional bond is crucial for their development, both in the short term and long term.
In the short term, it provides a sense of security which is essential for their well-being.
And in the long term, it sets the foundation for emotional well-being and healthy coping strategies.
When emotions are understood, the behavior will automatically fall in line.
What you need to do?
Now, don’t try to completely change how you deal with your kid’s emotions overnight.
Start with one step and that is to be more understanding.
The next time your kid is acting out, take a step back and try to understand what they might be feeling.
And then offer support.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have all the answers. Just the fact that you’re trying to understand and support them will make all the difference.
And it’s okay if you end up impulsively reacting to the behavior first. You can still come back and try to understand their emotions later.
The important thing is that you’re attempting to be more supportive and understanding.
