Rita* regularly witnessed fights between her parents. From the age of 10 or 11, she became the sole witness to every argument that her parents had. The fights were frequent and, at times, abusive. Rita always stood in the corner with teary eyes and body trembling with fear when she saw the parental fights. She never saw how and when the fights were resolved which made her believe that fights are like stormy wind beating the doors which come uninvited and leave behind a lot of mess. Today when she has attained adulthood, she is living with childhood trauma because of the vivid memories of the parental fight she witnessed as a child. She is suffering from mental health issues that are not letting her accept her parents as respectable and lovable beings.
What goes wrong when you argue in front of kids?
For children, parents are the first impression of humanity, love and mutual respect. Children learn values and morals through the words and actions of their parents. But when parents ignore this dependency on their children and indulge in acts that are just opposite to good values and memories, children get affected adversely. One such action is parental fights and arguments.
According to A University of Michigan Study of May 2020, the fights between married couples have increased because of economic strain during pandemics. They are frequently fighting over financial and household issues, which are ultimately affecting their kids.
According to the University of Sussex in the UK and the Early Intervention Foundation, children who witness parental conflicts can be at risk of deteriorating mental health issues and life chances. Stress during childhood can later turn into chronic diseases like diabetes, low immunity, asthma, and more in adulthood. It also stated that parental discord risks a child’s mental health more than divorce or separation.
These data clearly reveal how toxic relationships impact children and, ultimately, the entire family.
- Parents’ fight threatens children’s idea of love, safety, and support.
- They shudder to see their role models depicting the traits that were taught to be wrong and unacceptable.
- They lose trust in their parents’ words and actions of love towards them after having witnessed their dark sides.
- Parental conflicts are children’s first exposure to the hatred that breathes along with love in our society.
Not that children should never understand hatred and fight, but learning it within their home is not fair schooling.
On the other hand, it is also true that conflicts between couples cannot be avoided. There are times when couples don’t agree with each other, feel threatened by each other’s actions, or fail to manage their respective duties and responsibilities. It is a utopian idea that couples, once married, have a happily ever after. Arguments are a part of every marriage which sometimes make it strong and sometimes brittle. If parental discord cannot be avoided, then how can children be saved from the trauma it causes?
The answer to this question lies in how parents depict their fights in front of their kids. It lies in how parents tone down their fights and prioritize resolving the issues rather than proving themselves right. Children shouldn’t be kept in the illusion that fights never happen. But they should be taught how to resolve those fights rather than being traumatized by them.
Recommended reading: Domestic Violence and Its Impact On Children
Recommended reading: Protecting Your Child from a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Defending Childhood
Better ways to argue in front of kids
So here are a few ways in which parents can change the way they fight in front of kids:
1. Avoid long-term arguments
The very first thing to keep in mind is that arguments, if happening, shouldn’t be trailed for so long. Parents must try to resolve the conflict as soon as possible so that children do not get long-term exposure to fights and long-lasting memories of them. Keep it short, toned down, and simple.
2. Always be aware that kids are listening
Whenever parents argue in front of kids, they must be fully aware of the fact that their children are witnessing whatever they say and do. And so, even while arguing, parents need to be mindful of the words they use and the actions they take. Strictly avoid using bad words, aggressive outbursts, loud noise, high-toned voices, or harming someone physically or emotionally.
3. Love each other even when you fight
Every child wants to witness a peaceful, happy and loving familial environment. Even during fights between parents, children will be saved from the trauma if the arguments do not push the basis of love in the relationship away. When parents argue, they must remember the love they share with each other. And holding on to that love, they must come to a resolution as soon as possible.
4. Resolve fights in front of kids
Often, parents fight in front of kids but resolve in different rooms. This can affect kids by making them confused about whether the fight was resolved or not. And if it was, then how? Witnessing the fight and not the resolution can make children believe that fights can never be resolved. This will emanate feelings of fear, hatred, and disrespect in the minds of kids. So if parents fight in front of kids, they should resolve the problem too in front of them.
5. Appreciate children if they try to resolve the fight
Many times, children jump in to solve the parental discord. They use their innocent tactics to bring their parents close to each other. Just like how parents try to resolve the conflicts between children, children too try to copy them and learn the value of spreading love. Some write letters, some cook while others do activities that automatically brings a smile to everyone’s face. When parents appreciate their effort, no matter how silly they are, children build their trust in the feelings of love, resolution, and familial support. They will understand that a family can stay together if they put in the effort to keep each other happy. So even if the problem is not fully resolved, accept each other for the sake of the efforts that your kids are putting in.
6. If it is too serious, take it to another room
If, by chance, the fight is serious, try to take it away from the vicinity of kids and come back only after resolving it. Try not to make bickering and arguments more frequent in the house. If the relationship feels stagnant or out of love, consider if it is worth staying in a toxic relationship for your child.
Conclusion: Is it okay to argue in front of kids?
Fights and arguments are part and parcel of every relationship. No matter how hard we try, we cannot escape the hour of confrontation. But when children are in the middle of the tug of war between parents, the fight should become a fleeting argument during the game. The war should be plainly based on love, support, and little playfulness. No doubt children understand what fights mean because they have it too with their siblings or friends. But their idea of fights is of ephemeral moments of teasing, annoying each other, and then resolving everything with a giggle of the next hour, the next game, or the next day. Honestly speaking, shouldn’t our ideas of fight and solution be the same?
*Name has been changed at the person’s request.
