All great and precious things are lonely. – John Steinbeck
Kyan is six and a decent kid, albeit a little timid. He never throws tantrums, cries unnecessarily, or performs poorly in academics, but he is always by himself. He does not like to work in groups and even plays by himself. When all the kids are playing in groups, he is the only one sitting alone in some corner of the playground. His mother feels sad whenever she sees him like this – a lost soul. She has approached a counselor to help her son and understand his loneliness a bit.
I. What is loneliness?
Loneliness is defined by American Psychology Association as “affective and cognitive discomfort or uneasiness from being or perceiving oneself to be alone or otherwise solitary.”
While people do tend to seek solitude and some of them, like Charles Bukowski, never feel lonely despite being alone, loneliness can still feel like a lacuna – a gaping void inside one’s soul.
The greatest minds of all time have often been portrayed as deep personalities with curious minds and never-ending loneliness in hearts.
A research study conducted in the year 2018 showed that around 11.3% of children they studied reported having often felt lonely. The same research also found that a higher percentage of young children felt lonely than those in the age group of 13 or more. So, we can conclude that younger ones are somewhat more prone to loneliness.
However, loneliness is the deep hidden secret of the cosmos’ soul that eludes most of us but, as Hemingway asserted, is necessary for creative work – to portray the rawness of one’s soul.
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So, before you think your child is lonely, ask them if they feel lonely. Because if it is solitude that your child craves to listen to their own thoughts, then no intervention is required. But if they feel lonely and crave social companionship, in that case, measures to eradicate this feeling of loneliness are a must, for this loneliness is a wound that eats away one’s soul and its liveliness. The possible effects of loneliness on your child’s mental health can be grave and long-lasting.
II. Signs of loneliness in children
Loneliness in children can manifest in various signs and behaviors that indicate their longing for social connections and emotional support. Recognizing these signs is crucial for parents and caregivers to intervene and provide the necessary support to help alleviate feelings of loneliness. Here are some common signs of loneliness in children:
1. Complaining that no one would play with them
Children who frequently express their frustration or sadness about not having anyone to play with may be experiencing loneliness. They may feel left out or excluded from social activities and yearn for companionship and interaction with their peers.
2. Crying and clinging to you for company
When children feel lonely, they may exhibit clingy behavior and seek constant reassurance and attention from their parents or caregivers. They may express their distress through tears and demonstrate a strong desire for company and emotional support.
3. No best friend
The absence of a close friendship or a best friend can be a significant indicator of loneliness in children. They may feel isolated and struggle to form deep, meaningful connections with their peers, leading to a sense of loneliness and longing for companionship.
4. Seeking attention by misbehaving
Children who feel lonely may resort to misbehavior as a way of gaining attention and interaction from others. They may engage in disruptive or attention-seeking behaviors in an attempt to fill the void of social connection and draw others’ attention towards them.
It is important for parents and caregivers to pay attention to these signs and address them proactively. Engaging children in social activities, facilitating opportunities for making friends, and fostering open communication about their feelings can help combat loneliness and provide the necessary support for their social and emotional well-being. Creating a nurturing and inclusive environment where children feel valued, heard, and connected is crucial in mitigating the negative effects of loneliness and promoting healthy social development.
III. Impact of loneliness in children on mental health
Here will be discussing the effects of loneliness or social isolation on your child’s mental health. Loneliness affects mental health in the following ways:
1. Anxiety and depression
Children who are suffering from loneliness show a greater risk of developing depression and anxiety disorder. When your kid has no one to talk to, they are unable to develop a sense of belongingness, making them feel extremely sad and nervous at times.
Research conducted in the year 2020 also substantiates the fact that social isolation shows high rates of depression and, most likely, anxiety in children as well as in adults.
Dr. Maria Loades, a clinical psychologist from the Department of Psychology at the University of Bath in her research, concluded that there is a strong association between loneliness and depression among young people. Maslow, too, argued that failure to meet your social needs of belongingness, intimacy and relationships can cause anxiety and depression.
2. Disoriented mind framework
If a child is not able to mingle with people, then they will never find a way to express themselves fully. They will never be able to let out their frustration or share the burden of their thoughts with others which may make their mind framework chaotic and disoriented. Thoughts, worries, etc., will probably fill up the recesses of their mind obliterating any sense of peace and calmness. This may even increase the chances of having an emotional breakdown.
In some circumstances, especially if there is a history of abuse or a broken family, using mentorship programmes or support groups where children, especially teen girls, can seek out the support they need could be a great way forward to help them realign their mental health. Looking at Eva Carlston Academy Reviews can give you a better idea of what is on offer.
3. Disturbed sleep pattern
A prolonged sense of loneliness or isolation can alter your child’s sleeping pattern. In fact, their worries and thoughts may cause their subconscious mind stop relaxing and nightmares may occur in extreme cases of emotional distress. Often, stress is related to nightmares. So, the stress can prevent your child from relaxing at night.
Research conducted by the University of Chicago hinted that loneliness and sleeplessness may be intertwined. The participants in the study who showed symptoms of loneliness recalled childhood events and recounted that they felt helpless and threatened.
Mark W. Mahowald, Director of the Minnesota Regional Sleep Disorders Center postulates the theory that as a lonely person has less structured routine or stimulation, they feel less tired from lack of activities and often fail to achieve the state required to get a good amount of sleep.
4. Low self-esteem and self-worth
When your child fails to develop healthy relationships with people around them, they may begin to find faults in their person. They may even rationalize that they can’t find acceptance in social group because they are lacking or not worthy. This obviously leads to them developing a sense of low self-esteem and low self-worth. Your child can’t always figure out everything and their need for belongingness may curtail all rational reasoning.
Some research studies do show that loneliness leads to low self-esteem and self-worth. Similarly, a research conducted by Janne Vanhalst and colleagues found that loneliness and self-esteem influence one another in a reciprocal manner. A simple reason can be that children may begin to develop a negative self-perception – that they lack confidence or are not cool enough.
IV. Factors that can contribute to loneliness in children and coping strategies
Loneliness in children can be influenced by a variety of factors, both within and outside of the school environment. Understanding these factors is crucial in addressing and mitigating feelings of loneliness in children. Here are some key factors that can contribute to loneliness in children:
1. Family dynamics
Conflict within the home, such as parental separation, divorce, or frequent arguments, can impact a child’s sense of security and connectedness, leading to feelings of loneliness.
Research conducted by Amato and Keith (1991) found that children from divorced families reported higher levels of loneliness compared to children from intact families. The instability and changes associated with parental separation can disrupt a child’s sense of security and support, leading to increased feelings of loneliness.
For example, a child who witnesses ongoing conflicts between their parents may withdraw from family interactions and seek emotional refuge in isolation. The lack of a nurturing and harmonious family environment can contribute to the child’s perception of loneliness, as they may feel disconnected and emotionally distant from their parents and siblings.
Coping strategy:
To address this, it is important for parents to create a supportive and communicative family environment, even in the face of challenges. Encouraging open dialogue, resolving conflicts constructively, and providing emotional support can help mitigate the impact of family dynamics on a child’s loneliness.
2. Transitions and loss
Events like moving to a new school or neighborhood, experiencing the death of a loved one, or the loss of a pet can disrupt a child’s social network and leave them feeling isolated and lonely.
For instance, a child who moves to a new school may face the challenge of establishing new friendships and integrating into unfamiliar social circles. They may feel socially excluded or struggle to find common interests with their peers, leading to a sense of loneliness. Similarly, the loss of a loved one, such as a grandparent or close friend, can create a void in a child’s life, causing them to experience feelings of grief and isolation.
Coping strategy:
To support children during such transitions and losses, it is important for parents and caregivers to provide emotional validation and create opportunities for social connection. Encouraging children to engage in activities that align with their interests, connecting them with support groups or counseling services, and fostering a sense of belonging within the community can help alleviate feelings of loneliness associated with transitions and loss. Additionally, maintaining open lines of communication and offering a safe space for children to express their emotions can play a crucial role in helping them navigate these challenging experiences.
3. Peer rejection
Children who are consistently rejected by their peers may experience loneliness due to a lack of social connections. This rejection can stem from various factors, such as differences in appearance, interests, or social skills. A study conducted by Boivin et al. (1995) found that rejected children reported higher levels of loneliness and social dissatisfaction.
Peer rejection can occur due to various reasons, including differences in appearance, interests, or social skills. For example, a child who is perceived as different or deviating from social norms may face exclusion and rejection from their peers. This rejection can have a profound impact on their social connections and contribute to their sense of loneliness.
Coping strategy:
To address this, it is important to promote social inclusion and teach children acceptance and empathy towards their peers. Encouraging opportunities for positive social interactions, fostering a sense of belonging in the classroom or community, and providing support to develop social skills can help reduce feelings of loneliness associated with peer rejection.
4. Social skills and self-esteem
Children who struggle with social skills, have low self-esteem, or exhibit shyness or anxiety may find it challenging to initiate and maintain friendships. This can lead to feelings of loneliness as they struggle to connect with their peers. Research by Asher and Wheeler (1985) showed that children with poor social skills were more likely to experience loneliness and social dissatisfaction.
For instance, a child who lacks assertiveness or has difficulty expressing themselves may have trouble forming meaningful connections with others. Additionally, children with low self-esteem may perceive themselves as unworthy of friendships or fear rejection, leading to social isolation and loneliness.
Coping strategy:
To support children in developing social skills and enhancing their self-esteem, it is important to provide opportunities for social interaction, role-play scenarios to practice social skills, and offer positive reinforcement for their efforts. Building their self-confidence and providing a supportive environment where they feel valued and accepted can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and improve their ability to form meaningful connections with their peers.
5. Bullying and victimization
Children who experience bullying or victimization at school are more likely to feel lonely and isolated. The negative effects of bullying can erode a child’s self-esteem and make them hesitant to engage with others. Research consistently shows that children who experience bullying are more likely to report feelings of loneliness and social isolation (Hawker & Boulton, 2000). A study by Storch et al. (2003) found that victimized children had higher levels of loneliness compared to non-victimized children.
Being subjected to bullying behaviors, such as verbal or physical aggression, can erode a child’s self-esteem and confidence, making them hesitant to engage with others. The fear and anxiety associated with bullying can lead to withdrawal from social interactions, leaving the child feeling lonely and isolated.
Coping strategy:
To address this, it is crucial to create safe and supportive environments where bullying is not tolerated. Implementing anti-bullying programs, promoting empathy and kindness, and providing resources for children to report incidents can help prevent bullying and reduce feelings of loneliness among victims.
6. Cultural and language barriers
Children from diverse cultural backgrounds or those who are learning a new language may face challenges in social integration, leading to feelings of loneliness and exclusion. Cultural and language barriers can limit the child’s ability to communicate and connect with their peers, leading to a sense of isolation.
For example, a child who has recently immigrated to a new country may struggle with language proficiency, making it difficult to form meaningful relationships. Additionally, cultural differences in norms, traditions, or social expectations may create a sense of otherness and make it challenging for the child to find a sense of belonging.
Coping strategy:
To support children facing cultural and language barriers, it is important to foster an inclusive environment that celebrates diversity. Encouraging cross-cultural interactions, providing language support, and promoting cultural awareness and acceptance can help bridge the gap and reduce feelings of loneliness. Creating opportunities for cultural exchange and building connections based on shared experiences can help children develop a sense of belonging and overcome the challenges of loneliness associated with cultural and language barriers.
7. Lack of Social Support
Children who lack a supportive network of friends, family, or mentors may feel socially isolated, contributing to their experience of loneliness. Research consistently shows that children who lack a supportive network of friends, family, or mentors are more likely to report feelings of social isolation and loneliness (Qualter et al., 2010).
For example, a child who does not have close friendships or positive relationships within their family may feel disconnected and lonely. They may struggle to find someone they can confide in, share experiences with, or seek support from, leading to a sense of isolation.
Having a supportive network of peers, family members, or mentors provides children with a sense of belonging, emotional validation, and opportunities for social interaction. Engaging in activities together, participating in group projects, or joining clubs or organizations can help children develop meaningful relationships and reduce feelings of loneliness.
Coping strategy:
Parents and caregivers play a crucial role in fostering social support for their children. Encouraging participation in extracurricular activities, facilitating playdates or social outings, and promoting open communication within the family can all contribute to building a strong support system for the child. Additionally, connecting with community resources, such as youth organizations or support groups, can provide additional avenues for social connections and support for children who may lack a supportive network in their immediate environment.
It is important for parents, caregivers, and educators to be aware of these factors and provide support and resources to help children navigate and overcome feelings of loneliness. By fostering positive relationships, promoting social skills development, and creating inclusive environments, we can help children build strong social connections and reduce the prevalence of loneliness.
V. Conclusion: Loneliness in children
As a parent, you and your child have to decide whether their loneliness is voluntary or involuntary. Loneliness is not always a bad thing, but if your kid is struggling with loneliness, then you need to take effective and urgent measures to deal with it, so their mental health doesn’t suffer. While spending time on their own can make some children comfortable enough to enjoy themselves and understand themselves better, it is equally important that they find acceptance in social settings because one day they will eventually have to form intimate and close relationships with others.
