Carol Dweck says, ‘The wrong kind of praise creates self-defeating behavior. The right kind motivates children to learn.’
Why praising children in the right way matters?
Kids need to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated. Children look up to their parents for validation for motivation. They like the feeling of making their parents proud. So it is extremely important to praise them the right way, to send across the right message.
Until a couple of decades back, parents used to believe that praising children’s ability or intelligence can make them feel smarter, which will motivate them to perform better and live up to the praise. But years of research proved otherwise.
Don’t praise kids for intelligence. Don’t praise kids for talent. Praising children’s intelligence may boost their confidence for a short time, but it will foster a fixed view of intelligence.
Praising intelligence will make the child focus only on the end result, and failing to get the correct answer can be resentful. In an attempt to arrive at the right answer, the kid will start choosing only those problems that are simple and that they have already attempted or experienced.
They will become more risk aversive and avoid challenges to live up to their self-belief about their intelligence. They will not know how to embrace failure and rise like a phoenix.
Researchers have shown that children praised for intelligence lie more often when asked about the number of mistakes they made or the number of times they tried.
Here’s an example of praise gone wrong.
Vikram has always been considered a bright student. He had consistently scored high marks, completed mathematics assignments with ease when his classmates struggled. Suddenly, at the age of 14, he lost interest in academics. The backlog of homework started piling up. His grades deteriorated. To boost their son’s confidence and get him back on track with his academics, his parents started reassuring him that he was intelligent to motivate him. But in vain. Why? Through all these years, when Vikram was sailing smoothly with his academics, he believed that he was intelligent by birth. His intelligence is innate and fixed. His brain is conditioned to think that if he fails in anything, it will hamper his image. This leads to risk aversiveness for fear of failure. This leads to being closed to feedback and unwillingness to learn. His brain perceives challenges and mistakes as a threat to his ego. His brain sees feedback as a personal attack. All these factors lead to losing motivation and confidence to face challenges.
Recommended reading: Are You Giving Your Child Reward or Bribe?
How to praise children the right way?
So next time when praising children, let them understand that the journey to the end result is more important. That’s where the real-life skills lie.
One can improve through consistent hard work and grow. So, praise children for process, effort, perseverance, and improvement. This will help them grow confident and resilient.
Emphasizing the effort in our praise will give the child a sense that they are in control of their success; the key to success is in their hands. Praising kids’ efforts can motivate them to take up challenges, be persistent when it is difficult and enhance their performance.
So Praise growth. Praise good practices. Process praise promotes a sense of self-efficacy.
Examples
But How Do You Do Process Praise? I will give you some examples here.
Example 1:
Say your child is good at drawing. Instead of saying, “You are good at drawing. You are a natural artist”; Say, “You did a good job drawing. I like how you have added details to the faces.”
Example 2:
Instead of “You are good at History”; Say, “You finished reading the course material on time and revised thoroughly before the exam date. See, it worked.
Example 3:
Don’t say, “You didn’t score well in Physics. Your friends nailed it”; Say, “The assignment was difficult. But how you tried till the end and did not give up is commendable.” Acknowledge the fact that the assignment was difficult. This will give your kid a sense that you understand him. You win 50% of his confidence by doing this, and he knows he has your support. Praise him for not giving up. Praise him for his effort. Praise him for his perseverance.
Example 4:
Even if you praise their intelligence, their talent, show them how they can work on their skills and improvise. Here are some examples. Say your child is good at English. You can say, “You are so good at writing. You should take advanced learning classes and challenge yourself to write something you haven’t attempted yet. Explore your full potential.” The idea is to show that there is still scope for improvement even if he is good at something.
Psychologists say:
Language used when praising has a profound impact on a child’s attitude. Wording and phrasing praises, if not done correctly, can develop self-limiting beliefs even in toddlers. Remember, how you praise reflects your mindset too. How we praise them and how we motivate them shows your children what you expect. Praising the right way can create a growth mindset or coaching mindset in children. A growth mindset is the greatest gift to give your child that will last a lifetime. Your child imitates you, learns from you. So, adopt a growth mindset yourself to inculcate such a mindset in your children through your style of praising.
Frequently asked questions
1. How should you praise and encourage children? What makes praise effective?
Here are some ways to effectively praise and encourage children:
- Be specific: Instead of saying “good job,” point out specific things that the child did well. For example, “I noticed you worked really hard on that math problem and it paid off, great job!”
- Be genuine: Children can usually tell when praise is not genuine, so make sure your words and tone are authentic.
- Be timely: Praise children as soon as possible after they’ve done something well, so that the praise is most meaningful to them.
- Use positive language: Focus on the things that the child did well, rather than what they did wrong.
- Make it age-appropriate: Children at different ages will understand and respond to praise differently, make sure that the praise is appropriate for their age.
- Encourage effort: Reward the child for the effort they put in, even if the outcome was not exactly what you wanted.
- Be consistent: Praise children regularly for their efforts and accomplishments, so that they learn that their hard work is valued.
- Encourage independence: Give children the opportunity to make choices and solve problems on their own, and praise them for their efforts.
- Don’t overpraise: Overpraising can lead to children becoming less motivated and less likely to take risks.
- Show them you care: Show your children that you care about them and their interests and achievements, that can be a powerful motivator.
Praising and encouraging children in these ways can help them build self-esteem, self-motivation and self-confidence, helping them to become independent and successful individuals.
2. Why is praising children not good?
While praising children can be beneficial in many ways, it is important to use it in the right way and to not overdo it. There are a few reasons why praising children too much or in the wrong way can be detrimental:
- It can create a lack of motivation: When children are praised too often or for things that are not truly worthy of praise, they may become less motivated to do their best. They may come to rely on praise and not feel motivated to achieve without it.
- It can create a fixed mindset: When children are praised only for their innate abilities, rather than their effort and hard work, they may develop a fixed mindset. This means that they may believe that their abilities are fixed and not something that can be developed through effort.
- It can create a sense of failure: When children are not praised as often or as much as they are used to, they may feel like they have failed or that they are not good enough.
- It can discourage risk-taking: Children who are praised too much or too often may become afraid to take risks, as they are afraid of not receiving praise or of being seen as a failure.
- It can lead to unrealistic expectations: Praising children too much can also lead to unrealistic expectations for their future performance, which can be discouraging and lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure.
It’s important to be mindful of the amount of praise given and the context in which it is given, as well as to focus on praising the process and the effort made, not only the outcome. It’s also important to balance the praise with constructive feedback, providing guidance and support for children to improve and grow.
3. What is excessive praise?
Excessive praise is when children are praised too often, or for things that are not truly worthy of praise. It can also happen when the praise is overly exaggerated or not well-targeted. Excessive praise can include:
- Praising for things that are expected or should be done without praise, for example, for completing homework or for behaving well in class.
- Overgeneralizing by praising children as “smart” or “talented” when they did one thing well, rather than praising the specific effort and behavior that led to the success.
- Praising for things that are out of the child’s control, such as praising them for being tall or for having a certain hair color.
- Giving praise that is not based on reality, such as praising a child for something they did not do well, or praising them too highly for something that was not that difficult.
- Not balancing praise with constructive feedback, making it difficult for the child to improve or learn from mistakes.
