Maya comes across as an introverted, anxious person who is constantly fretting over things. She goes beyond her abilities to be a good parent to her two young children. She makes her husband read all the good books on parenting she can find. While others see her as an over-worrying fragile being, her husband knows how a part of her is still living in the dark place where her own parents were emotionally abusive. She constantly denies it, saying that ‘it is not that’ or ‘they did not mean it like that,’ but she knows her parents were never a staunch supporter of hers, and the lack of confidence makes her worry that she will end up hurting someone in her ignorance and thus, is always anxious.
The story of Maya is nothing new. Bad parenting impacts child’s mental health. A lot of parents end up saying things that they thought were funny but cause inestimable trauma to their children. Emotional abuse is like those hidden injuries that if go untreated, can lead to serious repercussions. While physical abuse is visible, emotional abuse is not and can easily go undetected because young children often fail to perceive the context and severity of such a situation. Children are likely not to understand, brush it off or live in denial to protect their consciousness from getting hurt.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is a form of mistreatment that can have profound and long-lasting effects on an individual’s emotional well-being. It involves a pattern of behavior that aims to undermine a person’s self-worth, emotional safety, and overall mental health. This type of abuse can occur in various relationships, including parent-child relationships, intimate partnerships, or even in workplace dynamics.
Unlike a normal argument or disagreement, emotional abuse goes beyond differences in opinions and enters into a realm of deliberate harm. It often includes tactics such as constant criticism, threats, rejection, name-calling, gaslighting, or the withholding of love and support. These actions are intended to demean, control, and manipulate the victim.
In the context of parent-child relationships, emotional abuse can be particularly damaging. While conflicts and disagreements are a normal part of family life, emotional abuse arises when a parent consistently invalidates or discounts their child’s feelings and experiences. This chronic emotional invalidation can have severe consequences on a child’s development and self-esteem.
When a child is subjected to ongoing emotional abuse, they internalize the negative messages and beliefs imposed upon them by their parent. They may start to question their worth, feel constantly judged and inadequate, and develop negative self-perceptions. Over time, this can contribute to the development of mental health issues, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and even suicidal ideation.
It is important to recognize that emotional abuse is not a normal or acceptable part of any relationship. It is a serious form of mistreatment that can have significant psychological and emotional consequences. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse, it is crucial to seek support from trusted individuals, such as friends, family, or professionals in the field of mental health.
What researchers say about emotional abuse from parents?
A 2020 study by UNICEF shows that Indian parents emotionally abuse their kids by restricting movement, denying food, discriminating, instilling fears, etc., as disciplining children by punishing them is widely practiced among Indian parents.
American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (APSAC) has defined emotional abuse as a ‘repeated pattern of caregiver behavior or extreme incidents that convey to children that they are flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or of value only in meeting another’s needs.’
Emotional abuse by parents hinders a child’s emotional growth, may even cause anxiety and a lack of self-worth and lack in self-confidence. By far, the effect of emotional abuse on children is larger than any other form of abuse. We are not suggesting that any form of abusive behavior is less harmful than the other – be it physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, your kids will always carry the scars with them for the rest of their life.
Susan Forward, the author of best-selling book ‘Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life’ once said, “Criticism is the fountainhead of control” and while many parents try to rationalize their behavior, emotional abuse is never healthy.
The question is how to spot emotional abuse? What to look at to know if you, as a parent, are being emotionally abusive or not.
9 Signs of emotional abuse from parents
For our readers today, we are going to discuss some signs of emotional abuse from parents so that effective measures to stop emotionally abusive behavior can be taken immediately by parents.
1. Constant criticism and harassment
“Why can’t you understand something as simple as this?” is something most parents tell their children when they fail to understand something. Calling your children ‘stupid’ or harassing them for every minor mistake they commit is a major sign of emotional abuse parents hurl at their children.
Such constant criticism and harassment can invalidate your children’s feelings, and they may begin to withdraw themselves or question the validity of their own feelings. If they get hurt and you start criticizing them for overreacting and being overly emotional or name-calling them, then their feelings get invalidated, mental health counselor Lawrence Lowell says. Instead, a parent should try to understand the depth of the child’s hurt.
Recommended reading: What’s Wrong With Strict Parenting?
2. Accusations, blame and guilt tripping
Emotionally abusive parents are often looking for a scapegoat and they make their children the target of all the accusations and blame. In a situation where the parents get angry, they try to blame the child for making them angry. “It’s your fault” or “Look, what you made me do!” are some common phrases used by emotionally abusive parents. They may also use guilt as a manipulative tactic to control the child.
Such parents do not even for a second stop to analyze the source of their anger because it may make them face reality – that they are the ones at fault.
These constant accusations and blame games make the kids anxious, lose confidence in themselves, and they start rationalizing with their parents that they are the one at fault because for children, too, it can be traumatic to face the reality that their parent(s) accuse them for no reason.
Recommended reading: What Happens When Parents Deny Having Made Any Parenting Mistake
3. Invading Privacy
Indian parents often fail to establish boundaries and snoop around or invade their children’s privacy justifying their actions for the greater good. While parents should be aware of their children’s activities, online exposure, and other things to protect them, it is equally important to establish some boundaries.
However, emotionally abusive parents invade their children’s privacy a little too much. Constantly checking their phones, messages, not letting them close their door, snooping around in their journals are some common signs.
According to research by Perez Fuentes and colleagues, such invasion of privacy can cause a lack of trust, lack of independence, and difficulty in feeling self-assured.
4. Manipulating
Emotionally abusive parents try to control their children by manipulating them with the aim to exploit or influence them for their advantage. They target their children so they behave in a particularly desired way. From making the children question themselves by saying, “That is not what I said” or “You remember it incorrectly” to bombarding the children with false affection, so they behave how the parent wants them to behave; manipulation tactics vary a lot.
Sometimes the parent may even adopt a passive-aggressive stance to manipulate the children. Research studies suggest that chronic emotional abuse of such kind can cause PTSD or make kids contemplate committing suicide. Emotional manipulation has been linked with low self-esteem, anger, resentment, and shame in children.
Name-calling, ignoring, ridiculing, humiliating, and constantly giving them silent treatment are other signs of emotional abuse.
Recommended reading: 7 Signs You Have Been Raised By Manipulative Parents
5. Emotional invalidation
Emotional abusers often invalidate their child’s emotions, dismissing or minimizing their feelings. They may tell the child that their emotions are irrelevant, unwarranted, or even wrong, leading the child to doubt their own experiences.
For example, if a child expresses sadness or frustration over a particular situation, an emotionally invalidating parent might respond with statements like, “Stop being so sensitive” or “You’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal.” By dismissing the child’s emotions, the parent is sending the message that their feelings are irrelevant or unwarranted. Over time, the child may internalize these messages and begin to doubt their own emotional responses.
When a child’s emotions are constantly invalidated, they may struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth, as their emotions are consistently undermined and devalued. The child may also have difficulty expressing their emotions in a healthy and constructive manner, as they have been taught that their feelings are inconsequential.
Recommended reading: Children Believe That the Way We Treat Them Is What They Deserve
6. Withholding affection
Parents who withhold love, support, or physical affection as a form of punishment or control are engaging in emotional abuse. This can create an environment of fear, insecurity, and emotional neglect for the child.
For example, a parent who withholds affection may refuse to hug or comfort their child when they are upset or in need of emotional support. They may use the withdrawal of affection as a means of punishment, making the child feel unloved and unworthy. This can create an environment of fear and insecurity, as the child learns that love and affection are conditional and can be taken away.
The absence of affectionate gestures and emotional support can hinder a child’s emotional development. They may struggle with forming healthy relationships, have difficulty expressing love and affection, and may even internalize the belief that they are unlovable. The emotional neglect resulting from the withholding of affection can leave long-lasting scars on a child’s self-esteem and ability to trust others.
7. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic wherein the parent denies the child’s reality, distorts their perceptions, or makes them question their own sanity. This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of trust in one’s own perceptions.
For example, a parent might repeatedly tell their child that they never said or did something, even if the child vividly remembers the incident. The parent may undermine the child’s confidence by making them question their memory, causing the child to feel confused, disoriented, and unsure of what is real. Over time, the child may begin to rely on the parent’s version of events, suppressing their own thoughts and feelings.
Gaslighting can lead to significant psychological harm as the child begins to doubt their own sanity and question their perceptions of the world. It erodes their self-trust and can lead to feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and even depression. The child may become increasingly dependent on the abusive parent for validation and lose touch with their own reality.
Recommended reading: Gaslighting and Parenting: What You Need to Know
8. Isolation and control
Emotional abusers may isolate the child from friends, family, or activities that bring them joy and support. They may control who the child can interact with, where they can go, and what they can do, limiting their independence and social connections.
For instance, an emotionally abusive parent may restrict the child’s social interactions, preventing them from attending social events, joining clubs or sports teams, or spending time with friends. They may also monitor and control the child’s online presence, limiting their access to online communities and support networks. This isolation and control prevent the child from developing healthy relationships, seeking emotional support, and gaining diverse perspectives.
By controlling the child’s social interactions and activities, the abusive parent maintains power and control over their emotions and thoughts. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, alienation, and a diminished sense of self. The child may become reliant on the abusive parent for validation and guidance, perpetuating a cycle of emotional abuse. Breaking free from this cycle requires recognizing the signs of isolation and control and seeking support to establish healthy connections and regain autonomy.
9. Constant comparison and competition
Parents who consistently compare their child unfavorably to others or foster unhealthy competition between siblings can create a toxic environment that undermines the child’s self-esteem and self-worth.
For example, a parent might frequently compare their child’s academic performance to that of their siblings or peers, highlighting the achievements of others while disregarding the child’s individual strengths and efforts. This constant comparison can lead the child to develop a distorted self-perception and a chronic sense of inadequacy. They may internalize the belief that they are never good enough or deserving of love and acceptance.
This behavior can create a toxic and competitive atmosphere within the family, where the child feels they are constantly falling short and must compete for validation and love. Siblings may be pitted against each other, fostering an environment of hostility, jealousy, and resentment. The child may feel pressure to outperform their siblings or constantly prove their worth, which can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and a strained sibling relationship.
Such behavior hinders their ability to embrace their unique qualities and strengths, as they are constantly seeking validation through comparison. Over time, the child may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, develop a fear of failure, and have difficulties forming healthy relationships based on mutual support and cooperation.
Recommended reading: Don’t Compare Your Kids
Conclusion: Emotional abuse from parents
Emotional abuse can never be justified, so as parents, people must take responsibility for their actions and ask for forgiveness from their children. It can give both you and your children the much-needed closure. To deal with emotional abuse effectively, you can openly communicate your feelings, go to family therapy, or set some boundaries. Accepting that you have hurt your children is nothing to be ashamed of, but if you live in denial and in a false sense of being the best parent, you fail not only as a parent but as a human being too.
