Sarah, a mother of a three-year-old son, was happy with her son’s temperament as he always seemed like a happy child and connected easily with other family members. But that was only until the first day of his school. Her son latched onto her and cried loudly, not letting go of her. His teacher had to take him away, and Sarah helplessly saw his tears and heard his sobs – that wrecked her.
To this day, the memory of the first day at school and her son’s crying face hurts her. She never knew he was showing signs of separation anxiety back then. Thankfully, he was resilient and learned to cope on his own. It did take a lot of time for her son to adjust to his new surroundings and go without seeing her or other family members for a few hours of the day. Now Sarah wishes had she known what her son was going through, she could have helped him to cope with his anxiety better. At least, her poor boy would not have had to bear all the burden on his tiny shoulders. She feels that she failed as a mother.
Like Sarah, most mothers out there struggle to help their children cope with separation anxiety. While not all children suffer from it, a lot of them do feel some apprehension when it comes to getting away from their primary caregivers. But this does not mean that it is nothing to worry about just because many young ones go through it. It is only normalized because we allow it to be so. For some children, separation anxiety can leave deep scars on their psyche. It can break their trust in their parents or make them develop other psychological disorders later in their lives.
What is separation anxiety?
According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), “separation anxiety is the normal apprehension experienced by the young ones when they face the prospect of being away from their primary caregiver or the person to whom they are attached.”
Fact check about separation anxiety
Separation anxiety disorder occurs in about 4%-10% of children and is equally common in boys and girls. Separation anxiety usually occurs among children falling into the age group of 6 months to 3 years and symptoms may include crying, refusal to sleep alone, throwing tantrums, nightmares about separation, faking illness or stomachache to avoid getting away from the parents or mother as in most parts of India mothers are primary care givers.
In India, research indicates that after the pandemic, a surge in separation anxiety has been noticed among children, especially when it came to going back to schools or joining school for the first time. This transition was not so smooth for some, and many parents struggled to deal with their child’s separation anxiety.
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How separation anxiety affects children?
Now that we have explained what separation anxiety is, let’s move on to the next segment: how it can affect your children. The effects of separation anxiety can vary from a disturbance in daily life activities to grappling with serious psychological disorders, including:
- Poor academic performance
- Anxiety disorders in adolescence
- Poor attendance in school
- No or negligible interaction with peers or classmates
- Violent fits
Now, this does not look like a healthy child. Or a child that, as a mother you would want because, honestly, you want others to praise your child for his good academic performance and not be called a nuisance for always crying and throwing angry fits.
How to help your child cope with separation anxiety
So, the million-dollar question is – How to deal with separation anxiety?
Here are some ways by which you can help your child cope with separation anxiety in a healthy manner:
1. A short ‘separation’
No one learns to fly before they learn to walk properly. So, to make your child understand that the separation is temporary and they will again be back to you, you can start conditioning them in a healthy manner by making the separation period shorter initially. That way, your child will not only be able to learn the intricacies of separation, but their trust in you will not waver.
For example, if you are on maternity leave before joining your work full-time again, you can start going out for an hour or so to make your child understand that you will come back soon. Meanwhile, it helps your children learn things independently and deal with separation in their own ways. They will learn to become less dependent on you, and in the future, it will help your child cope with separation anxiety.
If your workplace has a place for children or a daycare facility nearby, then you can even pop in to check on them during intervals. This will help them not to get too anxious or throw angry fits.
2. Learn to be appropriately protective
The gut-wrenching guilt that comes with separation and seeing your child struggling can shake most mothers. You may be tempted to leave everything and just be there for your child so they would not cry. Most mothers do that. They skip going for any work, shopping trips, visiting relatives and stay at home with their children to allay their fears.
But here you have to learn that you cannot protect them all the time and while it is manageable now, it will not be the case in future.
You have to learn to be protective up to an optimum level only, beyond that you will be making your child vulnerable for future instances and, in your naivety, may even be making them believe that they will never have to get separated from you.
Do not protect them from the truth of life or how things work. Make them understand that as an adult you often have to go out for work and chores so they will, one day.
3. Make believe play
Make believe play is another great strategy to make your child deal with separation anxiety. Kids often imitate their parents and act as a parent going to the office and going out for shopping. Such plays can help you make them understand separation and that they have nothing to worry about.
For instance, you can play ‘you’ and go out for a quick errand while you child has to act as a responsible adult and not cry in your absence. But make sure such plays are only limited to short and quick errands.
Recommended reading: Why Is Free Play Important?
Recommended reading: How To Deal With Stranger Anxiety In Children
4. Give them a reason to look forward to meeting again
Often, we have heard and read in numerous novels that if we don’t say goodbye now then how will we meet again. Whenever you are saying goodbye to your child, make sure you are calm and have a smile on your face. Do not give them any reason to worry.
In fact, give them a reason to look forward to meeting you again. It can be a simple trip to someplace. For instance, you can tell your child while you are dropping them off at school that after school is over, you will take them to a particular shop that is often open during noon. So until then, they have to wait and they can learn new things in school while waiting.
This will also give your child a sense of security that you will be coming back as you are planning something ahead. But never make false promises.
5. Peer Interaction
Giving your child enough chances to interact with children of their age will help them create a social group of their own where they can learn that every parent goes out for some work or the other and separation for some time is common. It will decrease their dependency on you and help them miss you less when you are away.
Conclusion: Help your child cope with separation anxiety
To wrap it up here, I am going to suggest that you learn the art of communicating and take time out of your schedule to discuss your child’s feelings. The guilt that comes with such situations can be overwhelming. As a mother, it is not easy and you cannot be perfect all the time. But you are doing your best and if your kid trusts you and finds comfort in your presence, then you are already the best momma in this world. If the symptoms persist and get worse, then do consult a psychologist.
