While every parent wants their child to be well behaved and disciplined, their approach is usually different. And your approach to disciplining your child makes all the difference.
One such difference is in positive parenting.
What is Positive Parenting Approach for Disciplining Your Child?
Positive parenting is an empathy-based approach to parenting where parents focus on understanding child’s emotions and develops good relationship with the child through positive interactions, teaching and offering choices instead of shouting, shaming or leveraging rewards and punishments.
Positive parenting approach for disciplining is an approach to parenting and discipline that focuses on promoting the well-being and development of children through respectful and constructive methods. It emphasizes teaching and guiding children rather than using punishment or coercion. Positive discipline aims to foster a strong parent-child relationship, promote self-discipline, and encourage positive behavior.
The goal of positive discipline is to create a nurturing and supportive environment where children feel safe, loved, and respected. It helps children develop self-control, problem-solving skills, empathy, and a sense of responsibility, laying the foundation for their healthy development and well-being.
This might sound as an abstract concept. Many parents think that parenting in itself is positive. There cannot be any negative connotation to it. Here’s the thing, there is positive and negative parenting.
Understanding Positive Parenting Techniques With Example
Let’s consider the scenario below.
Your child, Viyan, came home with his score card. He didn’t perform well. In fact, he scored below average. You are shocked as you saw him study day and night, giving up his video games to focus on his studies. Here’s how you react.
Your reaction 1:
You are shocked, rather disappointed; and you are demanding answers to why he scored low.
You question whether he was actually studying or just pretending to study. Also, you compare your child with his friend.
And the punishment – now that he hasn’t performed well, he is not allowed to play video games until he scores well in the next exam.
Your reaction 2:
Yes, you are shocked, and you have a lot of questions.
But instead of lashing out questions directly, you check your child’s mood if he wants to talk at that moment or not, as he is more disappointed with his scores. You help him calm down and give him a chance to figure out why he scored so poorly.
Your conversation would go something like this; I know you worked so hard, but things didn’t turn out to be as expected, which sometimes happens.
Were you nervous while taking the exams, or were the questions new to you?
Did you cross-check with other friends or teachers if there was a calculation error?
Are you not finding it difficult with the faculty in coaching, or should we change your tutor?
And most importantly, say that it’s not the end of the world. Help them cope with failure. Success and failure are both parts of life. Just learn from your mistakes in the exams, give more mock tests to conquer your fear, and prepare for the next exam.
So, which one are you?
I am sure by now that you must have figured out the difference between the two.
The first reaction was how negative parenting seems like, and the latter one shows how positive parenting techniques work for disciplining your child.
Difference between Negative and Positive Parenting Techniques
When you take negative disciplining approach, your child will give up and develop a fixed mindset. The child’s mental health will be affected. They will feel not heard and that their parents don’t understand them. They will eventually start lying or hiding things from you to avoid punishments.
While on the other hand, if you have a positive parenting approach, your child will see that their parents understand them. They will develop a growth mindset and put in extra effort into doing their best the next time. Your child will believe that they can trust you and will confide in you if they have any challenges.
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Benefits of Positive Parenting Techniques for Disciplining Your Child
- Positive parenting helps you establish strong and clear communication with the child and establish mutual respect.
- It eliminates bad behavior and encourages discipline in children.
- It has an overall positive impact on your child’s mental health and well-being.
- In a report published in 2022, Unicef mentions that positive parenting help improving child’s self-esteem.
Disciplining as an idea is flawed. It does not look like yelling, punishments, dominating behavior, etc. Disciplining your child simply means helping your child gain self-control.
Now that you know how positive parenting helps here are the top 10 ways for disciplining your child using positive parenting techniques.
Top 10 Positive Parenting Techniques For Disciplining Your Child
1. Begin With a Realistic Approach
Positive parenting isn’t a crash course. It’s a slow and subjective process. An essential element of positive parenting is being patient with yourself and your child and trusting the process.
One most common parenting mistake is trying to fix their child so they behave “appropriately”. But the problem here is that there is nothing wrong with the child; it’s the behavior that needs fixing.
You need to treat the cause and not merely focus on symptoms.
2. Correct Your Actions
Children thrive on attention. They will do anything to have your attention without thinking if it is actually good or bad. And they will tend to repeat the behavior which catches your attention.
If you give into your child’s tantrums, if you fulfill your child’s demands after they cry or crib for something, the possibilities are high that your child will throw a tantrum when they want something the next time.
Therefore, introspect consciously if you are promoting certain actions or behaviors of your child by the way you react to certain situations or respond to your child.
3. Teach Them About the Consequences
Have you ever thought about why children are not disciplined in the first place?
What prompts them to behave like that?
They do so because they aren’t aware of the consequences.
Now there are two types of consequences that play an important role in altering bad behavior in children. These are natural consequences and logical consequences. While you don’t have to do much about the natural consequences; logical consequences involve the parent where the ultimate goal is to stop bad behavior or else face the consequence.
To simplify it further, consider it’s raining outside. Your child refuses to carry an umbrella or wear a raincoat. Now, as a natural consequence, their clothes will get wet and dirty, or they might even end up falling sick. As a parent, you can put forth a logical consequence to them by saying if the clothes get dirty, they will be the ones cleaning the clothes.
You see, the purpose of such consequences is to gently help them make aware of the outcomes and make decisions accordingly. Helping them understand consequences is like allowing them to choose what they want and being responsible for the outcomes.
Recommended reading: 5 Effective Ways To Teach Impulse Control To Kids
Recommended reading: How To Define Your Healthy Boundaries With Your Child
4. Rewarding Good Behavior
Don’t you like it when your hard work is recognized and you get promoted at work? How is that feeling?
You feel motivated and geared up to work harder to keep up the good work. Right? Then why don’t you replicate the same thing at home with children.
In his research, Caley Arzamarski mentions that positive parenting techniques encourages parents to ‘catch kids being good’ – to not just share negative feedback but also share positive feedback whenever possible.
If you like anything they do, appreciate them and show that good work pays off. Small things like when they finish off their meals, make their bed, help you in household chores without you asking them to do so, being courteous to others, etc. You can reward them but be careful that you don’t get into a habit of showering them with materialistic rewards.
Acknowledge when your child is being good. Praise them the right way.
5. Regulate Your Emotions
How you react to react when your child does something wrong or achieves something big is an important element of positive parenting.
How you express your emotions has a direct correlation with how your relationship is with your child.
Watch out if your usual reaction is yelling and screaming at your child. If it is, then stop right there and bring in the right approach. Your ideal approach should be to be calm and patient with whatever comes your way and deal in a way that helps your child learn.
Recommended reading: 7 Proven Anger Management Tips For Parents
Recommended reading: A Parent’s Guide On Using Positive Language
6. Be an Ideal Role Model
Remember the movie Tarzan?
The little boy developed a lot of characteristics from the animals he was surrounded with because that’s what children do. They pick behaviors and habits that they see others doing.
Children imitate what they see, both good and bad, so make sure you do the right thing. Be a role model for your child. So, if you expect your child to wake up early, make their bed, have meals on time, check with yourself if you are doing all these things or not. This is perhaps the easiest way of disciplining your child.
7. Give Children Unconditional Love
Every parent loves their child unconditionally, right? So, what’s new here?
Well, every parent thinks so, but often that love is fear-based or control-based. Keep a check that your parent-child relationship does not fall in this category.
Show that you love them and how much they mean to you. You don’t need to chant ‘I love you’ all day long to show that you love them. Small gestures like asking their opinions on something, randomly surprising them with their favorite dish, going that extra mile to make them feel special on their birthdays, or celebrating their small achievements also can make them feel loved and valued.
Your love and support are important for your child’s mental wellbeing. Be a parent your child can confide in and not run away when in trouble.
Recommended reading: What To Do When Your Child Is Disrespectful?
Recommended reading: Loneliness In Children and Its Impact On Mental Health
8. Be Prompt In Correction
Picture this situation. You are at a shopping mall and your child starts crying and misbehaving, asking you to buy something. What would you do?
Often parents somehow handle the situation by buying what they are asking. Then when they get back home, they talk to the child or yell at the child for their behavior in the shopping mall.
But it doesn’t help. This sends a wrong message to the child. They will think that you won’t say anything in public and give in to their demands to cut that public embarrassment. Chances are that the next time your child will repeat the same behavior.
Do you see how a slight delay in correction can encourage negative behavior?
The easy way to tackle such issues is to address them as and where they happen.
9. Introduce Creative and Fruitful Distractions
This is another fun yet effective way to implement positive parenting techniques for disciplining your child.
To introduce good behavior or discipline, you don’t always require to teach them about those things. You can also choose to stop them from doing something that isn’t good.
Next time, instead of disciplining your child by saying don’t do this, try saying how about we do something different now. Some of the common distractions for children could be engaging them with fun activities, reading stories, going for a walk, etc.
When you forbid the child from doing something, they generally tend to do it out of curiosity about what will happen if they do so. Distraction works because it does not directly forbid the child to do what they were doing; but it keeps that behavior or that activity on hold. Distraction helps focus on positive redirection and serves the purpose.
10. Keep a Check On Your Language
What is your general tone around kids at home?
Are you always hyper, worried, encouraging, pessimistic, chilled out, or any other?
The tone and language in which you say anything, big or small, directly impact your child. Be calm and gentle in your day-to-day conversations. Make your child feel valued and loved, not occasionally but randomly.
Aggressive tones might bring you short-term results, but you will never be able to cultivate discipline. The subtle ways always bring in a win-win situation. So be cautious about your choice of words, body language and tone of speech as positive language is indeed a sign of positive behavior.
Resources for Understanding Positive Parenting Techniques For Disciplining Your Child
Conclusion: Positive Parenting Techniques For Disciplining Your Child
Long story short, the goal of positive parenting is about you being the guiding star in your child’s growth. You nurture the child with emotional presence and support the child’s best interests by being sensitive towards their needs and desires. So, be that parent who is warm, supportive, and always there for their child.
Trust me, it’s not so difficult to practice positive parenting techniques as it might seem to be. It is never too late to start practicing positive parenting, if you haven’t already. The best time is right now.
Summary: Positive Parenting Techniques For Disciplining Your Child
References
American Academy of Pediatrics. Positive reinforcement through rewards.
Durrant, J. E. (2010). Positive discipline in everyday teaching: Guidelines for educators. Save the Children: Sweden.
Durrant, J. E., & Epsom, R. (2012). Physical punishment of children: Lessons from 20 years of research. Canadian Medical Association Journal, 184(12), 1373–1377.
Hickey V, Flesch L, Lane A, et al. Token economy to improve adherence to activities of daily living. Pediatr Blood Cancer. 2018;65(11):e27387.
Moyer, M. W. (2016, June 14). “Aw—Mommy will make it better”: Are parents turning their kids into whiny weaklings by overconsoling them? Slate.
Parenting for Brain. (2021). 8 Essential positive parenting tips and discipline guide. Parenting for Brain.
