So, eleven-year-old Varun was trembling after being harshly scolded by his mom. He lost his tiffin for the second time in a row and now he doesn’t open his tiffin fearing that he might lose that one as well. The problem doesn’t end here. Now he gets scolded for not finishing his lunch. Till here it doesn’t seem like a problem. Now the third time when he lost his tiffin, he falsely accused one of his classmates of stealing it just to avoid any scolding. Can we now see where that scolding headed towards?
This is exactly where parents fail to draw a line between being authoritative and authoritarian. The former ones are warm, teach, and guide their children while the latter ones are controlling and cold whose basic approach is usually my way or the highway.
Strict parenting styles have attracted considerable attention and acceptance from many parents, often driven by cultural norms, societal pressures, or a desire to raise successful and well-behaved children. It is not uncommon to encounter parents who believe that strict rules and strict enforcement are essential for instilling discipline, ensuring academic success, and preparing their children for the challenges of the real world. However, it is important to explore more into the implications and consequences of such an approach to parenting.
I. Understanding Strict Parenting
Parenting styles can vary greatly, and one particular approach that has gained significant popularity over the years is strict parenting. As the name implies, strict parenting involves imposing strict rules, high expectations, and firm discipline on children. It is characterized by a focus on obedience, control, and adherence to authority.
Here are examples of some statements that we often hear from strict parents.
‘6 means exact 6. Do not enter the house if you are coming after 6 pm.’
‘How dare you lie to us? Do you want me to throw your toys and then you’ll understand?’
‘You will use social media only when we think it’s the right time for you.’
‘Why are you having a password on your mobile?’
‘No games, outings, parties, movies, etc. for the next 2 months until you have your exams.’
‘Don’t teach us. You know nothing. Just do as we are saying with no ifs and buts.’
If any of the following statements or approaches to handling a situation resonate with you as a parent, then you are in the strict parent club. Strict parents have excessively high expectations, with certain unrealistic expectations, and are quite controlling when it comes to their child and all the decisions involving their child.
For them, mistakes have no place and if committed, it is often followed by harsh consequences. This could include verbal, physical, or even emotional abuse. They are generally cold and unsupportive to their child’s needs. Often, they have a self-made rule book that is result-oriented and never effort oriented.
Recommended reading: Does Stress and Pressure Toughen Your Child?
2. What’s Wrong With Strict Parenting?
1. Lack of Autonomy and Independence
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Overemphasis on parental control and decision-making
One of the primary issues with strict parenting is the excessive emphasis on parental control and decision-making. In a strict parenting style, parents often assert their authority by making all the decisions for their children, from mundane choices to significant life decisions. This approach leaves little room for children to develop their autonomy and assert their own preferences and opinions. As a result, children may grow up feeling dependent on others for decision-making, lacking the confidence to make choices independently.
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Limited opportunities for children to develop decision-making skills
Strict parenting restricts children’s opportunities to develop essential decision-making skills. When parents make all the decisions, children are denied the chance to learn from their own experiences, assess risks, and problem-solve. Decision-making is a critical skill that requires practice and learning from both successes and failures. By depriving children of these opportunities, strict parenting hampers their ability to become independent and responsible individuals capable of making sound judgments.
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Potential long-term impact on self-confidence and independence
The long-term consequences of limited autonomy and independence can significantly impact a child’s self-confidence and independence. When children are constantly under the control of strict parents, they may develop a sense of self-doubt and inadequacy. Without the chance to make their own decisions and learn from mistakes, they may struggle to trust their own judgment or take risks. This lack of confidence can hinder their personal growth, inhibit their ability to navigate challenges, and limit their independence as they transition into adulthood.
2. Strained Parent-Child Relationship
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Excessive rules and restrictions leading to an authoritarian dynamic
Strict parenting is often characterized by a plethora of rules and restrictions that dictate every aspect of a child’s life. While the intention behind these rules may be to ensure discipline and order, but what goes wrong with strict parenting is that the abundance of regulations can create an authoritarian dynamic within the parent-child relationship. The constant enforcement of strict rules can leave children feeling stifled, controlled, and unable to express their individuality. This authoritarian dynamic can strain the parent-child bond, as children may perceive their parents more as enforcers rather than nurturing figures.
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Lack of open communication and trust between parent and child
Effective communication and trust are vital components of a healthy parent-child relationship. However, strict parenting often fails to foster an environment of open dialogue and trust. The focus on authority and control leaves little room for children to express their thoughts, emotions, and concerns freely. When children fear repercussions for voicing their opinions or seeking understanding, they may withdraw from sharing their experiences, leading to a lack of meaningful communication. This breakdown in communication and trust can erode the foundation of a strong parent-child relationship.
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Increased likelihood of rebellion and conflict in the relationship
Strict parenting styles are often associated with an increased likelihood of rebellion and conflict within the parent-child relationship. When children feel suffocated by excessive rules and restricted independence, they may be driven to rebel in an attempt to assert their individuality and autonomy. This rebellion can manifest as defiance, secrecy, or engaging in risky behavior. The dynamics of parent-child relationship can go wrong with strict parenting. The constant power struggle and clashes of wills can create a hostile environment that further strains the parent-child relationship. Instead of fostering mutual understanding and cooperation, strict parenting can inadvertently breed resentment and hostility.
Recommended reading: How Family Dynamics Impact Emotional Development In Children
3. Emotional Consequences
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Heightened stress and anxiety in children due to constant pressure to meet expectations
Strict parenting places a heavy emphasis on high expectations and achievement, often leaving children feeling immense pressure to constantly meet these standards. The relentless pursuit of perfection can create a highly stressful environment for children, leading to heightened levels of stress and anxiety. The fear of disappointing their parents or facing harsh consequences for any perceived failure can result in chronic anxiety and a constant need for validation. This chronic stress can have detrimental effects on a child’s emotional well-being, hindering their ability to cope with challenges and enjoy a balanced and carefree childhood.
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Inadequate emotional support and expression
Strict parenting often neglects the importance of emotional support and expression. The focus on discipline and obedience can overshadow the need for nurturing and emotional connection between parent and child. Child’s ability to label emotions, express emotions effectively and control emotions goes wrong with strict parenting. Strict parenting style can cause aggression in children. Children may feel unable to express their true emotions for fear of reprimand or dismissal. As a result, they may suppress their feelings, leading to emotional bottling and an inability to develop healthy emotional coping mechanisms. The lack of emotional support can leave children feeling isolated, misunderstood, and struggling to navigate their own emotions in a healthy manner.
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Potential long-term impact on mental health and well-being
The emotional consequences of strict parenting can have a lasting impact on a child’s mental health and overall well-being. The chronic stress, inadequate emotional support, and suppression of emotions can contribute to the development of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. These issues may persist into adolescence and adulthood, affecting various aspects of their lives, including relationships, academic performance, and overall life satisfaction. The negative emotional experiences during childhood can shape a child’s perception of themselves and the world, potentially leading to long-term struggles with mental health.
4. Impaired Social Skills
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Limited exposure to social situations and interactions
Strict parenting can inadvertently restrict children’s exposure to a variety of social situations and interactions. The strict rules and limitations imposed by parents often result in limited opportunities for children to engage with peers and experience diverse social environments. Without adequate exposure to different social contexts, children may struggle to develop crucial social skills such as effective communication, conflict resolution, and cooperation. This limited social exposure can hinder their ability to navigate social dynamics and adapt to new social settings later in life.
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Difficulty in developing empathy and understanding others’ perspectives
Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is a fundamental component of healthy social interactions. However, strict parenting styles often prioritize obedience and conformity over nurturing empathy in children. With a focus on rules and discipline, children may have limited opportunities to practice empathy and understand the perspectives of others. This lack of empathy can impede their ability to form meaningful connections, build strong relationships, and navigate conflicts with empathy and understanding.
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Potential challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships
Strict parenting can present challenges for children in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. The rigid nature of strict parenting can hinder a child’s ability to develop interpersonal skills, such as active listening, compromise, and cooperation. These skills are essential for building and sustaining healthy relationships. Additionally, the lack of autonomy and restricted social experiences can make it difficult for children to establish a sense of identity and build genuine connections with others. As a result, they may struggle to establish and maintain healthy, meaningful relationships throughout their lives.
5. Stifled Creativity and Exploration
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Lack of freedom to explore interests and hobbies
Strict parenting often places a strong emphasis on academic achievement and adhering to predetermined paths of success. As a result, children may have limited freedom to explore their own interests and hobbies. The strict rules and focus on obedience can stifle a child’s natural curiosity and creativity, preventing them from discovering and pursuing their true passions. Without the opportunity to explore diverse interests, children may miss out on valuable experiences that can shape their personal growth and hinder the development of their unique talents.
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Limited opportunities for creative thinking and problem-solving
Creativity and critical thinking are essential skills that empower children to approach challenges and problems from innovative perspectives. However, strict parenting can limit opportunities for creative thinking and problem-solving. With strict rules and a focus on conformity, children may feel discouraged from thinking outside the box and expressing their unique ideas. The lack of freedom to explore alternative solutions and engage in creative endeavors can impede the development of these vital skills, hindering a child’s ability to navigate real-world challenges and adapt to new situations.
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Potential hindrance to personal growth and development of unique talents
Every child possesses unique talents and abilities that deserve nurturing and development. However, strict parenting can hinder personal growth and the cultivation of these unique talents. The emphasis on rigid expectations and conformity may lead children to prioritize meeting parental standards rather than exploring their own potential. This stifling of personal growth can limit a child’s ability to discover and develop their talents fully, potentially resulting in unfulfilled potential and a lack of fulfillment later in life.
6. Academic Pressures and Burnout
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Overemphasis on academic achievements and performance
Strict parenting often places an excessive emphasis on academic achievements and performance. Parents may have high expectations for their children’s academic success, believing that it is a crucial measure of their worth and future prospects. This relentless focus on grades, test scores, and academic accomplishments can create immense pressure on children to constantly excel academically. The pursuit of academic success becomes the primary goal, overshadowing other aspects of a child’s development and well-being.
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Unhealthy competition and fear of failure
Next thing that is wrong with strict parenting is that competition among children is often encouraged or even fostered. Comparisons with other high-achieving peers can fuel a sense of competition and intensify the fear of failure. Children may feel compelled to constantly outperform their peers and meet impossibly high expectations set by their parents. This unhealthy competition and fear of failure can lead to stress, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The constant pressure to succeed academically can rob children of the joy of learning and create a toxic learning environment.
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Increased risk of burnout and decreased motivation for learning
The intense academic pressures imposed by strict parenting increase the risk of burnout in children. The constant drive to excel, coupled with the fear of falling short, can result in emotional and physical exhaustion. Children may lose their intrinsic motivation for learning and become disengaged from education. According to NCRB, over 24,000 children in the age bracket of 14-18 years committed suicide from 2017-19, with failure in examination being the reason in over 4,000 such cases, a lot of which could have been saved.
III. What should parents do differently?
1. Strike a balance between guidance and autonomy
It is crucial for parents to strike a balance between guidance and autonomy, allowing children to gradually take on more responsibilities and make age-appropriate decisions. By fostering a supportive environment that encourages independent thinking and decision-making, parents can help their children develop the confidence, resilience, and self-reliance necessary for a successful and fulfilling life.
2. Promote a healthier parent-child relationship
To promote a healthier parent-child relationship, it is essential for parents to strike a balance between authority and empathy. Encouraging open communication, active listening, and respecting the child’s perspective can help build trust and understanding. By allowing reasonable flexibility, offering guidance rather than rigid control, and fostering an environment of mutual respect, parents can cultivate a stronger bond with their children, reducing the likelihood of rebellion and conflict.
3. Recognizing and addressing the emotional consequences
Recognizing and addressing the emotional consequences of strict parenting is crucial for fostering a healthy emotional well-being in children. Parents should prioritize creating a supportive and nurturing environment that values emotional expression, actively listens to their children’s concerns, and provides them with the necessary tools to manage stress and navigate their emotions. By promoting emotional intelligence and resilience, parents can help mitigate the potential long-term impact on their children’s mental health and well-being.
4. Provide opportunities for socialization
To address these social skill impairments, it is essential for parents to provide children with opportunities for socialization and exposure to diverse social settings. Encouraging participation in group activities, fostering empathy and perspective-taking, and promoting open-mindedness can help children develop essential social skills. By nurturing their ability to understand and connect with others, parents can support their children in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, leading to a fulfilling social life.
5. Provide environment for creativity and exploration
It is important for parents to provide an environment that fosters creativity and exploration. Allowing children the freedom to pursue their interests and hobbies, even if they deviate from traditional paths, can encourage their creativity and self-expression. Providing opportunities for problem-solving, encouraging open-ended thinking, and supporting their unique talents can help children thrive and grow into individuals who are able to think critically, embrace innovation, and make meaningful contributions to their chosen fields. By nurturing creativity and exploration, parents can enable their children to reach their full potential and lead fulfilling lives.
IV. Alternative Parenting Approach
While strict parenting has its drawbacks, it’s important to explore alternative parenting approaches that can provide a more balanced and nurturing environment for children. One such approach is authoritative parenting. Unlike strict parenting, authoritative parenting combines elements of structure and discipline with warmth, support, and open communication. It promotes a healthy balance between parental guidance and respecting children’s autonomy, allowing them to develop into confident and well-rounded individuals.
Benefits of authoritative parenting
Authoritative parenting offers several benefits that contribute to positive child development. Firstly, it encourages open communication and active listening between parents and children, fostering a strong and trusting relationship. This open dialogue allows children to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns freely, promoting healthy emotional development and conflict resolution skills.
Secondly, authoritative parenting values autonomy and independence while still providing appropriate guidance and boundaries. It allows children to make age-appropriate decisions and learn from the consequences, fostering their decision-making skills and sense of responsibility. This approach also promotes self-confidence and a healthy self-esteem, as children are encouraged to explore their interests and develop their unique talents.
Lastly, authoritative parenting emphasizes a supportive and nurturing environment. It recognizes the importance of a child’s emotional well-being and provides emotional support, encouragement, and validation. This helps children develop a positive self-image, resilience, and the ability to navigate challenges effectively.
Frequently Asked Questions
Still have more questions around strict parenting – its effectiveness, impact on child’s emotional and psychological well-being and parent-child relationship. Read here Strict Parenting: Frequently Asked Questions Answered for answers to questions such as:
- Are strict parents toxic?
- How do you tell if your parents are too strict?
- How do you talk to strict parents?
- Does strict parenting lead to success?
- Do strict parents raise liars?
- How do you rebel against strict parents?
Conclusion: What’s Wrong with Strict Parenting
Khalil Gibran described the parent-child relationship as a bow and arrow where parents are the bow and children the arrow. The more the bow is flexible and stretches, the farther the arrow goes.
Strict parenting is a style that might show temporary results but they are short-lived and bring long-term problems. Balancing is the key when it comes to parenting. You don’t have to be the laid-back parent or even the strict parent. You have to be someone in the middle who listens and gives the right directions and allows the children to choose.
