Yelling at kids is something that many parents do, often without even realizing it. In the moment, it can feel like the only way to get your child to listen or to stop misbehaving. However, yelling can actually have negative effects on both you and your child. It can damage your relationship, cause anxiety and stress, and even lead to behavioral problems in your child. In this blog post, we’ll explore the root causes of why parents yell at kids and provide some tips for how to stop.
1. Stress and Overwhelm
One of the most common reasons that parents yell at their kids is due to stress and overwhelm. Parenting is hard work, and parental burnout is real. When you’re dealing with a lot of other stressors, it can be easy to lose your cool. Perhaps you’re dealing with work stress, financial issues, or relationship problems.
A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies in 2020 found that parental stress was associated with higher levels of harsh verbal discipline, including yelling. Another study published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2019 found that parental fatigue was linked to an increase in negative parenting behaviors, including yelling.
Examples:
A parent who is dealing with a demanding job, financial difficulties, or relationship problems can feel overwhelmed and stressed. In such situations, parents can yell at their children because they are unable to manage their stress and maintain their composure. For example, a parent who is worried about meeting a work deadline and rushes home to take care of their child can yell at their child when they find a mess in the living room. The parent may not have the capacity to handle the situation calmly because of the stress from work.
How to address this root cause of why parents yell:
Whatever the cause, it’s important to find healthy ways to manage your stress so that you can be more present and patient with your children. Some strategies that can help parents manage their stress include exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep, and talking to a friend or counselor. By taking care of themselves and finding ways to manage their stress, parents can avoid yelling at their children and maintain a healthy and positive relationship.
Recommended reading: Why Yelling at Your Child Don’t Work?
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2. Unresolved Emotions
Unresolved emotions can be a significant factor in why parents yell at their children. These emotions can be triggered by various factors, such as past traumas, relationship issues, or even daily stressors. When parents are unable to manage their emotions effectively, they may inadvertently take them out on their children, resulting in yelling or other negative behaviors. Do you get triggered by your child?
Examples:
Let’s say a parent has had a bad day at work and is feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. When they come home, their child may accidentally spill their drink on the floor, which triggers the parent’s unresolved emotions. The parent may start yelling at the child, even though the child did not do anything wrong.
Similarly, if a parent is dealing with unresolved emotions from their childhood, such as trauma or neglect, they may struggle to control their emotions and lash out at their child. They may have unresolved anger, fear, or anxiety, which they have not dealt with properly. When their child misbehaves or does something that triggers these emotions, they may yell or even become physically abusive.
Research suggests that parents who have difficulty regulating their own emotions are more likely to yell at their children. A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies in 2018 found that parents with higher levels of emotion dysregulation were more likely to engage in harsh verbal discipline, including yelling.
How to address this root cause of why parents yell:
It’s essential for parents to recognize when they are feeling overwhelmed or emotional and take a step back to deal with their emotions before addressing their child’s behavior. They can do this by taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, or talking to a friend or therapist to help them process their emotions. In doing so, parents can learn to manage their emotions more effectively, leading to better communication and a healthier relationship with their children.
3. Lack of Effective Communication Skills
Lack of effective communication skills can lead to frustration and ultimately result in yelling. Some parents may not know how to communicate with their child in a way that is effective, respectful, and clear. This can happen for a number of reasons, such as not having good communication skills themselves, not understanding their child’s age-appropriate communication abilities, or simply being too stressed or tired to communicate effectively.
Examples:
Imagine a parent who is trying to get their child to clean up their toys. Instead of communicating in a clear and calm manner, the parent may start to yell out of frustration when the child doesn’t comply. This could be due to a lack of communication skills, such as not using specific and clear language, not providing clear instructions, or not using positive reinforcement when the child does comply.
How to address this root cause of why parents yell:
In situations like these, it’s important for parents to work on their communication skills. This could involve taking a communication class or seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. Some strategies for improving communication skills include active listening, using “I” statements to express feelings and needs, and practicing empathy by putting oneself in the other person’s shoes. Learning how to express your needs and feelings in a calm and respectful manner can help diffuse situations and prevent yelling.
By improving communication skills, parents can avoid yelling at their children and instead create a positive and respectful relationship with them. Effective communication can also help children develop strong communication skills themselves, which can lead to better relationships with others in the future.
4. Unreasonable Expectations
Parents often have high expectations for their children (and even for themselves), which is perfectly normal. However, sometimes these expectations may be unrealistic, and when they are not met, parents can become frustrated and angry. This can lead to yelling, scolding, or even punishment, which can be detrimental to the child’s emotional well-being.
Examples:
A parent may expect their toddler to sit still during a long car ride, but this may be an unreasonable expectation given the child’s age and energy level. The child may become restless, fidgety, or even start crying, which can frustrate the parent and trigger a yelling response. Instead, you need to adapt age-appropriate parenting strategies to keep your toddler entertained in public.
Another example is when a parent expects their teenage child to always make good decisions and never make mistakes. This expectation may lead to a lack of trust and an overly critical approach to parenting, leaving no space in your family to disagree, to think differently, and be respected. When the teenager inevitably makes a mistake, the parent may react with anger and yelling, which can damage the parent-child relationship.
How to address this root cause of why parents yell:
To avoid yelling due to unreasonable expectations, parents can try to adjust their expectations and communicate them clearly to their children. It’s important for parents to set realistic expectations for their children based on their age, abilities, and developmental stage. This doesn’t mean that parents should have low expectations or not encourage their children to achieve their best. It means that parents should be understanding, patient, and supportive, especially when their child is struggling or making mistakes. Finally, parents can practice self-reflection and awareness, to recognize when their own expectations may be unrealistic and adjust their behavior accordingly.
Recommended reading: Top 10 Disciplining Mistakes to Avoid
Recommended reading: 7 Parenting Mistakes That Can Cause Childhood Trauma
Conclusion
In conclusion, yelling at kids is a common issue for many parents, but it’s important to understand the root causes in order to prevent it from happening. By managing stress, dealing with your own emotions, improving communication skills, and having reasonable expectations, you can create a more positive and peaceful environment for both you and your child.
