Ever thought of having grandparents with your terms and conditions?
Now, this might sound weird, but trust me, it’s a dream for many parents who are constantly being nudged by either their parents or in-laws on every single thing related to their children.
From questioning the choices and decisions as parents to getting things their way, the over interfering grandparents get themselves involved too much in the lives of children. While their presence is appreciated, that extra expert advice on every other thing is often not welcomed and bothers the parents. Moreover, it’s difficult to convince them that the new generation calls for new parenting rules and that they need to understand and accept the same. Bringing this topic straight up would imply that you are being disrespectful towards them. So, what to do?
The real struggle here isn’t about confronting the interference but how dealing with interfering grandparents so that you can mitigate the interference and help them understand your parenting perspective. To make things simpler, here are some practical tips to help you in dealing with interfering grandparents’ meddling and get grandparents to follow your parenting rules.
Ways of dealing with interfering grandparents
1. Define their roles
This might be difficult to start but will help you make things work. Be upfront about what bothers you and that you wish them to stop or limit to an extent. You might like the fact that they are involved and help your child with their homework, school activities, etc., but you don’t want them to take complete charge of your child’s life or impose their worldview on you. Be subtle when setting boundaries and defining roles. Let them know that you see them as the best advisors, not decision-makers.
2. Putting limitations
Grandparenting does not come with terms and conditions, and that is what invites certain difficulties for parents. The key is to start slow and reduce the frequency of their interaction with children. This is possible if they don’t stay with you, but if they do, try to plan the activities in which you want your parents/ in-laws and children to engage. Limiting their conversations can be the healthiest step you can start with, just like limiting the screen time when your child gets overindulged in it.
Recommended reading: Grandparents Are Over-Pampering Your Child
Recommended reading: When Grandparents Prefer Grandson over Granddaughter
3. Make child-centric conversations
Never try to use the situation for your benefit or flag things you dislike about them as grandparents. This will not only risk the chances of you making them understand your point but can also bitter your relationship with them. Keep in mind that the conversation is not about who is better but rather about what is better for the child. Give them the reasons that make you angry or annoyed, and then address the conflict of opinions. The chances are that they might not be aware of their over interference and would happily amend that by respecting their boundaries as grandparents.
4. Assure them
Amidst looking for the things that trouble you, don’t neglect the fact that they do have the best intentions for their grandchild. Since it’s second parenting for them, they will naturally come forward to either guide you or help you and unintentionally deliver more than required. You need to ensure that they don’t assume you as an incompetent parent who doesn’t know how to raise a child. Tell them it’s just your way of raising your child.
5. Choose your battles wisely
Before you even think of tagging them as over-involved and interfering grandparents, ask yourself what makes you feel they are crossing boundaries. Are they toxic grandparents? Do you see any negative patterns in your child since that time they started to hang out with their grandparents? Or do you have a contradicting perspective on a child’s upbringing? Amongst many reasons, you need to be clear about what things you wish to rectify as this is a sensitive topic where your parents or in-laws can easily get offended.
6. Involve your partner
Don’t try to be that one-man army. Include your partner in whatever you are up to and discuss before going ahead with it. See if the other person can communicate better with parents. In that case, let them take the lead. Also, if both the parents take charge, grandparents will sense that you have given serious thought to the parenting rules and might be more willing to agree with you.
7. One tweak at a time
Take baby steps. Don’t hand over a list of your dos and don’ts of parenting. Introduce one change at a time so that they naturally adapt and adjust themselves. This way, your parents/in-laws will also prepare for what’s coming their way and take care of boundaries by themselves. Give them reassurance that you have nothing against them; it’s just a slight bending of certain rules. Always back up your rules by validating what you expect out of those changes, as this will help them understand the cause behind what you are doing. In addition, always prefer to go with macro changes over micro and don’t be over-fussy about things as it might do more harm than good.
Recommended reading: When Grandparents Are Manipulative, Controlling and Self-serving
Recommended reading: 7 Tips to Deal with People Who Doubt Your Parenting Skills
8. Be open to negotiations
This can be your win-win method if your execution is on point. When you try to persuade them, try to find the area where your ideas blend or go for a barter system. And just like you wish to respect their ideas on parenting, say that you want the same in return. Instead of saying that you want them to obey your rules, request them to support you in minor changes, and they will be more willing to be a part of it. Your victory doesn’t lie in how easily you impose your rules but in the fact that you could accomplish what you expected by those changes. So, don’t back out even if you have to negotiate on certain things.
9. Introduce a time duration
Find out which of these will sound more convincing when you say it to grandparents. First, ‘it seems like Olivia is not performing well, maybe because he is spending extra hours with you in the park. So no long play hours with you, mom!’ And the second one, ‘it seems that Olivia’s marks are depreciating because of the stretched play hours, so why don’t you reduce it until his next exams and see how it goes. Now the second one will sound more convincing as not only you will be validating your point, but the indirect time limitation will ease them of a sudden change. If you put it out as a suggestion for your child’s overall development and that too for a certain time, there are high chances that they will agree to it. And once they start seeing positive changes, they will happily adapt to it, without you forcing them or urging them.
10. Have patience
Rome was not built in one day. The same goes for your parents as well. You cannot expect them to go by your rules all at once. Give them time to accept and slowly adapt to your parenting habits and rules. There will be events when they might overstep the established boundaries, but you need to give them the required time.
Recommended reading: Dealing with Toxic Grandparents: Red Flags and Coping Strategies
Conclusion: Ways of dealing with interfering grandparents
There is no denying that getting your child’s grandparents to follow your parenting rules is at times difficult, but it’s not impossible. Remember that the problem of interfering grandparents isn’t their interference but their over-interference. So, you should be gentle with them at all times and don’t hurt their sentiments. Trust me, they will consider your concern for your child and will happily co-operate. Keep in mind that your intention should never be to make them dance to your tunes; instead, ensure that they are also comfortable doing whatever you expect them to do. The bottom line is that it depends more on the execution than what you wish them to do. And now that you know it, it won’t be that tough.
