“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” — Anna Freud, Psychoanalyst
Confidence is the belief in your abilities and when your children believe in themselves, they can achieve anything they strive for. A healthy dose of confidence boosts self-esteem, self-worth, and autonomy. Children acquire skills as they grow up and, with time, develop the confidence to learn and acquire new skills on their own. So, confidence is essential for children when it comes to their development and success in life. It is noticed that most children struggle with confidence and self-doubt at some point in life.
Often, parents are the source of this self-doubt and lack of confidence. Not that parents intentionally set out to make them lose confidence, but in their naivety and ignorance, parents often end up acting or saying something that hurts the confidence of their children.
When children lose confidence, they suffer from indecisiveness, self-doubt, lack of will to explore and acquire new skills, and furthermore, they are unable to own up to their mistakes, never taking the initiative to correct them.
A research study by University of Washington shows that self-esteem is fully developed in children as early as they attain the age of five. Thus, parents should keep certain things in mind, so their children do not lose confidence.
5 top reasons why your child loses confidence
In this short segment, we will be discussing when your child loses confidence. What it is that you should never do and how to help them build their confidence.
1. Comparing your child
Parents often compare their children and while they might not always outrightly compare their children, impromptu comments like, “That kid is so smart. You should be like that” can also be disastrous.
While parents are trying to set an example or a goal by saying something like this, children may see this comparison as your way of saying that they are lacking.
Comparison should be healthy and the goals you set for them should be realistic so they can easily achieve them. Hence, parents should never compare their children with anyone else. Accepting their individuality and quirks is important so that they do not lose their confidence.
Research study by Brigham Young University professor Alex Jensen suggested that comparison between siblings does more harm as the child who is favored by parents and seen as intelligent tends to perform better than the sibling who is considered unintelligent by parents. This reinforces the belief that somewhere parents’ perception of children affects their confidence and, in turn, their performance.
2. Correcting them too much
In good faith, parents tend to correct their children too much. While the parents do so in good conscience and enforcing their experience, correcting your child too much can make them lose confidence in their own abilities. Such children would then look at their parents for every single decision and task as they do not wish to make any mistakes.
Correcting your children too much sends the message that they make mistakes all the time and have no sense of doing anything right; as a result child loses confidence.
“You are right but if you see this from another perspective then, you will be more right!”
Saying such encouraging words to your children can build their confidence. Try to give them another or a broader perspective rather than outright telling them that they are wrong.
Recommended reading: 9 Tips to Develop Growth Mindset in Children
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3. Forgetting to praise them
How often you praise your child’s effort also plays an important part in boosting their confidence. Children are curious and while they are not perfect, they are always trying. Parents should praise their efforts more rather than the desired results only. Parents who do not praise make their children doubt themselves.
Children require acknowledgment of their efforts from their caregiver – a lack of praise leads to loss of confidence. Telling your child that it is more important to try and give your best rather than win is important. If you praise them only when they succeed, they will be conditioned to think that success equals praise, and in situations where the chances of success are low, your child may not even try it, for they would not want to face your criticism.
“You did great!”
“I am proud that you give it your best shot!”
Such encouraging words should be told every time your child takes an initiative to do something. However, while many research studies say that praises help children learn confidence, social skills and even motivates them.
Brummelman et al. (2017) suggest in their study that sometimes praise can be harmful for child’s self-esteem. So, praise should be done in moderation. You do not want your children to have an over-inflated sense of ego or confidence.
4. Not listening to them
“Not now, later!”
“I am busy. We will talk later.”
“You are a child. You do not understand such things.”
Most parents are guilty of this. But it is important to listen to your child. When parents stop listening to their children and keep giving them excuse after excuse, they end up losing their confidence as they feel their thoughts and opinions do not matter and thus, their self-worth gets diminished. They begin to see themselves in a negative light.
Parents while making decisions should try to incorporate their children’s ideas and listen to them, so that they feel important. Downplaying their feelings and thoughts just because they are young is not healthy, as it can destroy their confidence. At the very least, parents can be attentive listeners when their children want to talk to them.
The result of research conducted by Dain Oktary and colleagues shows a significant 58% relationship between self-confidence and interpersonal communication with parents.
Recommended reading: Here’s why Your Child Is Not Listening To You
Recommended reading: 7 Proven Anger Management Tips For Parents
A word from us: Why your child loses confidence
The importance of confidence is not some hidden fact when it comes to your child’s development. While knowing what you should not do is important, parents should take the initiative to help their children learn self-confidence by praising their efforts, setting realistic goals, etc. Children are confident when you are. They learn from observing and imitating their primary caregivers. So, parents need to ensure that a sense of confidence is drilled into them from an early age and for that, parents too need to be confident. Parents who are not confident themselves can hardly teach confidence to their children.
