When I became a parent, suddenly everyone seemed to have the best parenting advice for me!
Do this, don’t do this, you could have done that better, etc., etc.
If I had kept a record of it all, I think I can write a book thicker than an encyclopaedia.
Not all were good advice, though. Some were decent, some subjective; some downright horrible that I felt sad for their kids!
But 12 gems stuck with me and helped me bring up my kids better. And that’s what I want to share with you in this blog.
1. Boys don’t need to be macho.
“Boys don’t cry.”
“Stop acting like a girl.”
These phrases are the reason behind generations of an emotionally stunted male population.
We all go through a range of emotions, from ecstatic to miserable, and it’s not gender-specific. But for ages, we have linked certain emotions to femininity. When guys display these, they are weak and feminine (as if that’s a bad thing!).
So, we restrict guys from these emotions by shaming them.
But what’s wrong with this?
Bottled up feelings (that might come out bursting violently one day); inability to understand and regulate their own emotions; not acknowledging and empathising with other people experiencing these emotions.
Do we want this for our boys?
Definitely not.
This is why men don’t ask for help when they need it. It’s also behind the high number of male suicides. And the reason behind choosing the wrong outlets for emotions (like substance abuse).
So, let our boys not be macho. Let them be healthy, well-rounded individuals who are in touch with their emotions and can be vulnerable.
Best parenting advice: Don’t restrict your son’s emotions.
2. Empower your girls to say no.
I don’t remember being given many chances to say no.
During my childhood, I had to wake up early in the morning at festivals to help my mom. For my brother, it was optional. It was a similar scene with chores.
We bring up our girls to be obedient and guys to be arrogant. Isn’t it ridiculous?
Be it equality or empowerment; it has to start at home. So, encourage your girl child to say no to things that make her uncomfortable or things she doesn’t want to do.
I’m not saying you need to agree with her every time she says no. But allowing her to say no and talking out things afterwards teaches her something very important – she has a voice.
By giving them space to say no, you’re teaching your daughter to assert her boundaries, be more confident about herself, and express her thoughts without fear.
3. Respect your children. Love is not good enough.
Thanks to all the glorification of love in the media, we all believe that love is most important than anything in relationships.
I beg to differ.
This notion lets many toxic relationships survive because people in love always end up telling themselves, ‘but they love me’.
I don’t want my kid to grow up and say something similar. So, I started showing them respect. I respect their space, thoughts and wishes.
I’m grateful for my friend, who reminded me of this when I played the ‘love card’ with my kid to get them to obey me. She reminded me that even with kids, it’s good to follow the saying, ‘give respect, take respect.’
And I have seen a tremendous change in how they engage with me after I started respecting them. They are way more considerate of my emotions and reasons now than before. Their tantrums reduced too!
4. Say no to gender-based parenting.
It’s 2022. Are we still doing this?
Gender-based parenting, i.e. having different approaches to our kids based on their gender, has a long-term impact on them and not in a good way.
We are fighting for equality and the elimination of stereotypical gender roles.
Men earn; women cook; boys are tough; girls like pink.
All these take away choices from kids. And it links their roles and likes to their genders.
I once caught myself asking my daughter to sit properly. Then I thought to myself, ‘but yeah, that’s common manners.’
The real question was, would I say that to my son? I realised, to my horror, that I have never said that to him, even when he sits in the awkwardest of the positions.
Say a big no to these! And observe yourself because even if we think we are doing a good job, we might unconsciously carry these gender stereotypes to our parenting.
Recommended reading: Boy or Girl! A Big Question We Have
5. Talk to your child about taboo topics- sex, sexuality, menstruation, dating.
*Awkward*
But would I rather they hear half-baked things about these crucial topics from their friends or the internet?
Definitely not!
I had to do detailed research to prepare myself to talk on these topics, and I’m glad I did it. Because today my kids come to me even for sensitive matters. Our bond and trust in each other are stronger because of it.
Turns out that the sooner you talk about these (laying the base), the better.
I have written a whole age-wise guide based on my research and experience. You can check it out here.
When you think about it, these are topics everyone should know about – essential biology. And when we talk about them normally, it will cease to be taboo.
Rather, it will be self-awareness and essential knowledge as it should be.
Recommended reading: How To Start Talking To Your Daughter About Periods
6. Understand and accept the generation gap.
Have you said some version of ‘I know better because I was also your age once’?
Seems like not a big deal, right? Because we know better.
But do we?
Remember when our parents used to say these things to us? How did that make us feel?
We felt like our feelings were inconsequential, belittled – probably hated being talked down to like that.
And we were justified to feel that way. Because our parents didn’t go through what we went through as times changed. Same with our kids. They go through a whole other life than we did when we were their age.
That’s a generation gap, and we need to accept it.
Only when we accept it, we can open our eyes to their world and keep up with it. We need to be relevant and support our kids in their world instead of equating it to our outdated stories.
Best parenting advice: Understand and Accept the Generation Gap
7. Praise children for the process.
All of us need attention and validation. Our children need it more than us and especially from us.
But all praises aren’t good. Some can do more harm than good.
Take these very common appreciation, for example – ‘you’re so talented’ & ‘you’re so intelligent’.
What this shows is that your kid has something inherent in them, and that’s amazing. It will boost their confidence briefly. But when it comes the time to grind, they might end up not working hard because they now believe achievements happen naturally.
‘I’m not talented enough for this :(.’
This is called a fixed mindset, and it’s not good for our kids.
Instead, we need to appreciate their effort. More broadly, you need to appreciate them for things in their control.
Like, ‘I’m proud of your efforts to achieve this!’
This instils a growth mindset, i.e., it tells them they can be and do anything they want as long as they are willing to learn and put effort.
Best parenting advice: Praise Children the Right Way
8. Lead by example.
Show, don’t just tell!
If you litter, you can’t get them to follow sustainable practices.
If you act out when you’re angry, you can’t teach them not to throw tantrums.
If you lie to cover up your mistakes, you can’t expect them to be honest, own their mistakes, and eventually correct them.
With kids, it’s like the Monkey and the Cap Seller story. You can’t make the monkey throw the cap down by asking them to. Instead, throw the cap you’re wearing, and they will follow.
Leading by example is the best way to teach your kids anything.
Best parenting advice: Become a Role Model For Your Kids
9. Shed your ego.
We see kids as our reflections.
Their success is our success; their failure is our failure.
Is it, though? And what are success and failure, anyway?
The best and most common example of this is our kid’s grade. They get good marks, and we like to think that we are succeeding as parents (isn’t that a great ego boost!).
And if they do poorly, we take it personally, too. We either blame ourselves or our kids for not putting in enough effort. After all, we do so much to keep them comfortable and provide them with a good education. They owe it to us to perform well in school. Right?
Completely wrong. All this is our ego talking.
When the focus is on our ego, we cannot see what’s going on in our kids’ world.
Remove the ego, and you’ll see much more clearly. Don’t attach your validity to what your kids are doing with their life. Never.
It will put unnecessary stress on them and will create a rift between you both.
Instead, see them as individuals with their own worldviews. Respect their thought-process and seek to understand them rather than shoving your ideals down their throat.
Best parenting advice: Shed Your Ego
10. Don’t obsess over grades.
We’re talking about grades again because this issue is very common and needs to be addressed.
Grades aren’t everything.
Every child’s interests and abilities vary. And school education isn’t a universal measure for whether your kid is going to make it in life or not.
School is more for exploration and learning to understand oneself and navigate social situations. That’s what you should push them to do.
In today’s day and age, a degree is no longer a necessity to have a good job and make money (which was the end goal of getting good grades). And more than people who get good grades, it’s a strong character and willingness to learn that will take them far.
So, let them choose what they want to learn and what interests to pursue. Let them make mistakes and correct them.
Building curiosity and a zeal to learn is more important than getting A+.
11. Engage kids in age-appropriate household chores.
This one was from my mom.
She was right! Starting our kids on chores as early as possible is important for them to be active participants in the household.
If you wait for them to be of the ‘right age’ and suddenly start handing over tasks, they see it as a burden or work. They might be very reluctant to do it and try to find ways out of it.
Instead, doing chores should feel natural and part of every day. For that, you need to start them early.
For example, as early as two years, you can ask them to put their toys back in the bin after playing. As they grow, you can introduce setting the table and folding clothes.
Give them a choice on the chores they can take up instead of ordering them to do things you want them to do. This way, they are more eager to take part.
12. Identify your child’s true nature.
Want to shine in the world? You need to be an extrovert.
This is a very common belief, and we push our kids to be extroverted and outgoing.
‘Go make friends.’
‘Participate in class.’
‘Why are you so quiet?’
We do this out of concern. But it breaks the confidence and self-esteem of a naturally introverted child. Yes, temperaments are not formed with age. They are, to an extent, intrinsic.
So, try to understand their behavioural patterns and let them develop in a way that’s natural to them. Being an extrovert isn’t the only right way.
Don’t make your introverted child outgoing.
Best parenting advice: Understand Your Introvert Child Better
To conclude,
Following these 12 pieces of advice have had an amazing positive impact on my kids and my relationship with them.
What parenting advice you got has created such a positive impact on you? Let me know in the comments.
