“Respecting Elders” – a cultural norm deeply ingrained in societies around the world. It’s a concept we’ve been taught since childhood, a mantra passed down through generations. Parents teach children to respect a particular person just because they are older in age. It is assumed that an elderly person deserves to be respected for greying their hair while surviving in this world. While younger ones are never expected to demand respect from elders just because they are younger in age. But have you ever stopped to question its implications?
Why is age often a discriminating factor among family members or people, in general? Is it the younger ones’ mistake that they were born later? Or did the elder ones achieve a medal for being born before? Must children be taught to discriminate against people by any factor? Shouldn’t they be indoctrinated with the idea that every human surviving in this world deserves unconditional respect? Shouldn’t children be taught to demand equal respect from their elders?
I. The Traditional Notion of “Respecting Elders”
Defining the concept of “Respecting Elders”
“Respecting Elders” is a deeply ingrained cultural norm that emphasizes deference, obedience, and reverence towards older individuals. It is seen as a moral obligation, a mark of one’s character and upbringing. Across different cultures, this concept holds immense significance and is considered a pillar of societal harmony.
In many societies, “Respecting Elders” entails showing utmost politeness, following their guidance without question, and refraining from contradicting or challenging their opinions. It encompasses gestures like bowing, using formal language, and seeking their blessings. The idea behind this tradition is to honor the wisdom, life experience, and contributions of older generations.
The practice of respecting elders is believed to foster a sense of community and intergenerational bonding. It encourages empathy, gratitude, and care towards older members, promoting a supportive environment where individuals feel valued and acknowledged. It teaches younger generations the importance of humility, patience, and listening.
In many cultures, respecting elders is not solely about individuals but also about upholding family honor and maintaining social order. It serves as a unifying force, promoting cohesion and stability within communities.
The cultural and historical context of the notion
The roots of the “Respecting Elders” culture can be traced back to ancient traditions, where the elderly were revered as the custodians of knowledge and the moral compass of society. In agrarian societies, where survival depended on communal living and intergenerational support, respecting elders was vital for maintaining social cohesion and passing down cultural heritage.
Historically, hierarchical structures and patriarchal systems have influenced the perception of authority and elderhood. Older individuals were seen as the gatekeepers of power and decision-making, and their opinions were considered unquestionable. These dynamics have played a significant role in shaping the traditional notion of “Respecting Elders.”
II. What Is Wrong with “Respecting Elders” Culture?
Teaching sanskaar (culture and values) to children is good. But parents need to be vigilant about what they are teaching their children. It is crucial to approach the traditional notion of “Respecting Elders” with a critical lens. So here are a few reasons why respecting elders just because of their age doesn’t make sense.
1. If you give respect, you deserve respect too
Respecting elders for their age, experience, and knowledge is fine. In fact, good. But that does not mean the younger ones should put their self-respect on the back burner and blindly follow whatever elders say. In return for giving respect, children should be taught to demand respect too. They should be taught about their rights to speak their minds and be heard patiently by the elders. If children are taught to greet their elders, the elders too should respect them and their boundaries.
2. Age has nothing to do with respect
Simply because a person was born before, they don’t get the right to demand extra respect. It is neither an achievement to be born before nor a failure to be born later. Every person in this society has to face hurdles to survive peacefully. So an elder uncle, aunty, or grandfather has just fulfilled their duty of surpassing hurdles in life to survive, which the younger ones will also have to do. Then why should there be a difference in the respect that is received by both age groups?
3. Extra respect demands extraordinary quality
Every human must respect each other unconditionally. But if a certain person demands extra respect, they must possess an extraordinary quality. Respect is earned by actions and achievements in life. It cannot be demanded by just sitting and doing nothing in the house. So if an elder person has achieved something incredible, only then do they deserve extra respect from the younger ones.
4. A respected elder doesn’t get the right to boss over the younger ones
Just because younger ones respect elders, the elders don’t get the right to demand anything and everything from them. Often, when children respect elders, they are forced to do things that they don’t want to do. For example, agreeing to certain opinions and doing exactly what elders do with no questions asked. But this is a signal of toxicity spreading its root in the relationship. If any relationship works on the concept of no questions asked, it becomes a power relation between a dominant and subservient person. And this is what we have been fighting to rule out for ages.
5. Respecting elders doesn’t mean they cannot be wrong
There are many instances when elders harass or abuse the younger ones by holding on to the respect they have been granted. According to data ranging from 2017 to 2020, every 13th hour, a child under the age of 10 is raped and every 155th minute of it, a child under the age of 16 is raped. While this was the general report of child sexual harassment, let us also look at reports of child sexual harassment at home. The NCRB data of 2018 shows that the sexual harassment of children and women in shelter homes in India has increased by 30 percent. If we take respecting elders for granted, children will never be able to raise their voices against the wrong that elders do to them. Even if they speak, many parents tend to shut them up and force them to respect the elder forgetting the wrong that happened.
III. How “Respecting Elders” Culture Can Adversely Impact Child’s Emotional Wellbeing?
1. Boundaries are compromised
Telling children to respect someone solely based on their age can inadvertently send the message that their own feelings and boundaries are not important. When children are constantly reminded to respect their elders, regardless of how they are treated, it can lower their standards for acceptable behavior and make them more susceptible to mistreatment. By prioritizing the idea of respect over their own emotional well-being, children may learn to tolerate mistreatment and suppress their true feelings.
2. Adverse power dynamics
Moreover, this emphasis on respecting elders can create a power dynamic in the family that can impact emotional development in children. They may feel obligated to comply with the wishes of older individuals, even if it goes against their own instincts or sense of safety. This can lead to feelings of being belittled, unimportant, or confused about their own reality.
IV. What Should Parents Teach Children Instead?
In situations where an adult is behaving inappropriately or crossing boundaries, teaching children to unquestioningly respect them can be dangerous. It becomes essential to empower children to recognize and assert their own boundaries, even with adults. By fostering open communication and teaching children to trust their instincts, they can better navigate situations that may be uncomfortable or potentially harmful.
Instead of enforcing blind respect for elders, it is crucial for parents to prioritize the emotional well-being and safety of their children. This involves creating an environment where children feel comfortable expressing their feelings and setting boundaries. Parents should protect their children from toxic grandparents and narcissistic grandparents, and teach them to discern when it is necessary to stand up for themselves, even if it means challenging an adult.
V. Alternative Approaches to “Respecting Elders”
Here are some alternative approaches to ‘respecting elders” culture.
1. Promoting mutual respect and understanding
This approach recognizes that respect should be a two-way street, where both elders and younger generations acknowledge each other’s perspectives and value each other’s contributions. Advocating for open and honest conversations can create opportunities for elders and younger individuals to share their thoughts, concerns, and aspirations. This promotes understanding and empathy, breaking down generational barriers and fostering healthier relationships within families and communities.
2. Encouraging dialogue and interactions
One way to foster mutual respect is through open and constructive communication. Encouraging elders and younger generations to engage in meaningful conversations can bridge the generation gap and promote understanding. It is important to create a safe and non-judgmental space where everyone’s voices are heard and valued. Also, promoting intergenerational activities such as storytelling sessions and interactions can be beneficial.
3. Valuing wisdom and experience
Respecting elders’ wisdom and experience is still important, but it should not come at the expense of individual autonomy and critical thinking. Encouraging younger generations to learn from the knowledge and life lessons of their elders can be done while also empowering them to question, explore, and form their own perspectives. It is essential to strike a balance where the wisdom of elders is appreciated without stifling the independent thinking and growth of younger individuals.
4. Embracing intergenerational collaboration
Elders and younger individuals have unique skills, perspectives, and ideas to offer. By creating opportunities for collaboration both generations can learn from each other and contribute to a better future. This approach can promote mutual respect, break down stereotypes and misconceptions that may exist between generations. But for such collaborations to be successful, it is important that elders shade their ego, accept the younger generation for how they are and learn the art of aging gracefully.
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VI. Frequently Asked Questions
1. Does challenging the “Respecting Elders” culture mean disrespecting or disregarding elders?
Challenging the “Respecting Elders” culture does not necessarily mean disrespecting or disregarding elders. It is important to differentiate between blindly adhering to a cultural norm and critically examining its impact on individuals and society. Challenging the culture means questioning the traditional notion of respect solely based on age and exploring alternative approaches to foster healthier intergenerational relationships.
Respecting elders should not be a one-size-fits-all concept that suppresses individual autonomy or dismisses the perspectives and experiences of younger generations. It is about creating a balanced approach that values and acknowledges the wisdom and life experiences of elders while also recognizing the rights, opinions, and autonomy of individuals regardless of their age.
Challenging the culture opens up opportunities for mutual respect, understanding, and constructive dialogue between generations. It encourages us to move away from a hierarchical approach towards one that promotes empathy, compassion, and shared decision-making. It allows for the recognition of elders’ contributions and wisdom, while also recognizing that younger individuals have valuable insights and perspectives to offer.
2. Can we respect elders without adhering to outdated beliefs or practices?
Absolutely! Respecting elders does not have to be synonymous with adhering to outdated beliefs or practices. It is possible to respect and honor elders while also promoting progress, inclusivity, and critical thinking.
Respecting elders should be based on recognizing their life experiences, wisdom, and contributions to society. It does not mean blindly accepting everything they say or adhering to outdated customs that may no longer be relevant or beneficial.
To respect elders without adhering to outdated beliefs or practices, we can:
- Value their wisdom and experience: Acknowledge and appreciate the valuable insights and knowledge that elders have gained throughout their lives. This can be done by actively seeking their advice and listening to their stories and experiences.
- Engage in meaningful conversations: Encourage open and respectful dialogue where both elders and younger generations can share their perspectives and opinions. This allows for a healthy exchange of ideas and the opportunity to challenge outdated beliefs through constructive discussions.
- Embrace diversity and inclusivity: Recognize that society is constantly evolving, and older generations may hold different beliefs from younger generations. It is important to create an inclusive environment where everyone’s voice is heard, regardless of age, and where different perspectives are respected.
- Encourage lifelong learning: Foster a culture of continuous learning and personal growth, where elders are encouraged to stay informed and open to new ideas and younger generations are encouraged to seek knowledge and challenge existing norms.
Respecting elders should be based on mutual understanding, empathy, and appreciation for their unique contributions, rather than blindly following outdated practices. By doing so, we can bridge the generation gap while also fostering progress and positive change within our communities.
3. The new generation has no respect. Why the youngsters do not respect elders these days?
It’s not necessarily true that the new generation has no respect for elders. Respect is a two-way street, and both parties have a responsibility to cultivate it. However, there may be instances where young people do not show respect for elders due to various reasons, including differences in values, attitudes, and lifestyles. Moreover, the current generation has been exposed to different cultural and social norms that may differ from the traditional “Respecting Elders” culture. In some cases, this can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts between the generations. It’s essential to understand that respect is not about blind obedience or adherence to outdated beliefs or practices. Instead, it’s about mutual understanding, empathy, and appreciation for each other’s perspectives and experiences. To foster respect between generations, it’s crucial to encourage open communication, build positive relationships, and promote intergenerational collaboration.
Conclusion
So dear parents, please understand the difference between respecting someone for their age and respecting someone for their actions. A child must not be taught to respect a person just because they were born before. Giving basic respect is fine but being blinded by it is not. Children must be taught about the actions that make a person respectable and also undeserving of respect. The basis of every parenting should be granting children the freedom to speak their minds and ask questions before blindly believing in something.
