As parents, we all want our children to succeed and do their best, but what happens when our child’s drive for perfectionism starts to negatively impact their mental health and academic performance?
This was the case for Sarah, a mother of a bright and talented 9-year-old daughter named Lily. Lily was a straight-A student, a talented athlete, and an accomplished musician, but she was also a perfectionist. She would spend hours on homework assignments, often rewriting them multiple times until they were “perfect,” and would become anxious and distressed when faced with any sort of criticism or feedback. Sarah began to notice that Lily’s perfectionism was starting to take a toll on her daughter’s mental health, as she became increasingly anxious and self-critical.
Sarah realized that she needed to find ways to help Lily manage her perfectionism and cultivate self-compassion and realistic goals. Through trial and error, she discovered some practical strategies that helped Lily to feel more confident and resilient, and allowed her to enjoy her pursuits without becoming overwhelmed by perfectionism.
If you’re a parent of a perfectionist child-like Lily, you’re not alone.
In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the signs of perfectionism in children, the potential negative impact on their mental health and academic performance, and offer some practical strategies for parents to help their child manage perfectionism and develop self-compassion and realistic goals. We’ll also discuss when to seek professional help if necessary. So, let’s get started!
Signs of perfectionism in children
Perfectionism is a tendency to strive for flawlessness and perfection in one’s work, performance, or self-image. In children, perfectionism can manifest in various ways, and parents should be aware of the signs that their child is struggling with it. Here are some common signs of perfectionism in children:
1. Excessive self-criticism
Children who are perfectionists tend to be overly critical of themselves and their work. They may have a hard time accepting compliments or positive feedback because they believe that they could have done better. For example, a child who receives a good grade on a test may respond with “It could have been better” or “I missed one question, so it’s not perfect.”
2. Fear of failure
Perfectionist children often have a deep-seated fear of failure. They may avoid new challenges or risks because they are afraid of making mistakes or not meeting their own high standards. For example, a child who loves drawing but is afraid to try a new technique or medium because they are afraid of not getting it right.
3. Procrastination
Perfectionists may also struggle with procrastination, as they may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to do things perfectly. They may spend an excessive amount of time planning or organizing their work, but then struggle to actually get started. For example, a child who spends hours making a detailed study schedule but then struggles to follow through with it.
4. Overthinking
Perfectionists often overthink their decisions and choices, which can lead to indecision or anxiety. They may weigh all possible outcomes and worry about making the “wrong” choice, even for relatively minor decisions. For example, a child who spends an hour deciding what to wear to school, or who can’t decide which extracurricular activity to join because they are worried it won’t be the “perfect” fit.
It’s important to note that not every instance of self-criticism or procrastination is a sign of perfectionism. Parents should look for patterns of behavior rather than isolated incidents to identify whether their child is struggling with perfectionism. If a child consistently displays multiple signs of perfectionism, it may be time to intervene and help them develop more healthy and realistic attitudes towards their abilities and accomplishments.
Why perfectionism can be harmful
While perfectionism may seem like a positive trait at first glance, it can actually have harmful effects on children’s mental health and academic performance. Here are some ways that perfectionism can be harmful:
1. Anxiety and Depression
Perfectionist children may experience high levels of anxiety and stress due to the pressure they put on themselves to be perfect. They may also become discouraged and feel like they are never good enough, which can lead to feelings of depression and low self-esteem. A study published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology in 2021 found that parental pressure to be perfect was associated with higher levels of perfectionism in children, which in turn was linked to higher levels of anxiety and depression.
Recommended reading: Why Is Stress and Anxiety So Common in Children These Days?
2. Avoidance of challenges
Perfectionists may also avoid challenges or risks because they are afraid of making mistakes or not living up to their own high standards. This can limit their opportunities for growth and development, as well as their ability to learn from their mistakes.
3. Slow Progress
Perfectionism can also slow down children’s progress and performance, as they may spend an excessive amount of time perfecting their work or planning every detail, rather than moving forward with their learning. For example, a child who spends hours editing and rewriting a paragraph for an essay, rather than moving on to the next section.
4. Social isolation
Perfectionists may also struggle with social skills, as they may have a hard time connecting with others or accepting feedback from peers. They may also avoid social situations that involve taking risks or making mistakes, which can limit their social experiences and opportunities for growth. A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies in 2020 found that children who were more perfectionistic were more likely to struggle with social anxiety and avoidant behavior, particularly in social situations that involved performance or evaluation.
5. Negative impact on academic performance
Perfectionism can also have a negative impact on children’s academic performance. For example, a perfectionist child who is afraid of making mistakes may not take risks in class or participate in discussions, which can limit their learning opportunities. They may also struggle with time management, as they spend an excessive amount of time perfecting their work rather than moving on to the next task. A study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence in 2020 found that perfectionism was associated with higher levels of academic stress in high school students, particularly in those who had a growth mindset (belief that abilities can be developed through hard work and dedication).
It’s important for parents to be aware of the potential negative effects of perfectionism and to help their child develop a healthy and realistic approach to their abilities and accomplishments.
How to help your perfectionist child
If you have a perfectionist child, it’s important to help them develop a healthy and realistic approach to their abilities and accomplishments. Here are some practical strategies that parents can use to support their child in managing their perfectionism:
1. Encourage effort rather than outcome
Instead of focusing solely on the end result, praise your child for their effort and hard work. Help them understand that mistakes and setbacks are a natural part of the learning process and that they can learn and grow from them.
Example: When your child comes home with a test that has a lower grade than they were hoping for, instead of criticizing them, praise them for the effort they put into studying and offer to help them come up with a plan to improve their understanding of the material.
2. Praise progress rather than perfection
Rather than focusing on the end goal or perfect performance, praise your child for the progress they have made. This can help them recognize the value of small steps and encourage them to continue working towards their goals.
Example: When your child is learning a new skill, such as playing a musical instrument, focus on the progress they have made rather than their mistakes. Praise them for the effort they have put in and celebrate each milestone they achieve.
Recommended reading: Praising Children the Right Way
3. Model self-compassion and self-care
Show your child that it’s okay to take care of themselves and that they don’t need to be perfect all the time. Model self-compassion by being kind to yourself and acknowledging your own mistakes and failures.
Example: When you make a mistake, such as burning dinner or forgetting an appointment, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, acknowledge the mistake and focus on what you can do to improve next time.
4. Provide a safe space for mistakes and failures
Help your child understand that mistakes and failures are a natural part of the learning process and that they can learn and grow from them. Provide a safe space for your child to make mistakes without fear of judgment or criticism.
Example: When your child makes a mistake, such as forgetting their homework or losing a game, let them know that it’s okay and help them come up with a plan to improve next time. Avoid criticizing or blaming them for the mistake.
Recommended reading: Teach Your Kids That Failure Is A Good Thing
5. Help your child set realistic goals
Encourage your child to set goals that are realistic and achievable. This can help them avoid setting themselves up for failure and feeling discouraged.
Example: If your child wants to improve their basketball skills, help them set a goal that is specific and achievable, such as practicing for 30 minutes every day or making three baskets in a row.
When to seek professional help
Perfectionism is a common trait in children, but sometimes it can become a more severe problem that requires professional intervention. Here are some red flags that parents should look for in their perfectionist child and consider seeking professional help:
1. Persistent anxiety or avoidance
If your child experiences persistent anxiety or avoids activities or situations that might lead to failure or mistakes, it could be a sign of a more severe form of perfectionism.
2. Extreme self-criticism
If your child is overly critical of themselves and cannot acknowledge their accomplishments, it could be a sign that their perfectionism is impacting their mental health.
3. Self-harm
If your child engages in self-harm behaviors, such as cutting or burning themselves, it’s important to seek professional help immediately.
If you notice any of these red flags in your child, it’s important to seek help from a mental health professional. They can provide support and guidance to help your child manage their perfectionism and address any underlying mental health concerns.
A mental health professional can help your child develop coping skills to manage anxiety and negative self-talk, and also help them set realistic goals and expectations. Therapy can also provide a safe and supportive space for your child to explore their feelings and develop healthy ways of coping with stress.
Conclusion: Helping Your Perfectionist Child
In conclusion, helping your perfectionist child can be a challenging but rewarding journey. By understanding the signs and impacts of perfectionism, parents can provide practical strategies and support to help their child manage their perfectionism and prioritize their mental health and well-being.
Remember to encourage effort over outcome, praise progress rather than perfection, model self-compassion and self-care, provide a safe space for mistakes and failures, and help your child set realistic goals. These strategies can be implemented in everyday situations and can make a significant difference in your child’s life.
For further reading or support, here are some resources to check out:
- “The Perfectionism Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Reduce Anxiety and Get Things Done” by Ann Marie Dobosz, PhD
- The Child Mind Institute – an organization dedicated to promoting children’s mental health and well-being with articles and resources on perfectionism.
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) – a mental health organization that provides resources, advocacy, and support to individuals and families affected by mental illness.
Remember, your child’s mental health and well-being are just as important as their academic performance. By providing support and understanding, parents can help their perfectionist child thrive and reach their full potential.
