“A boundary is a “property line” that defines a person; it defines where one person ends and someone else begins.” ― Henry Cloud
As a mother of two children, Gitika often travels alone. She goes on trips with her friends, leaving her husband and family behind. Her in-laws and friends complain that she is not giving enough time to her family. But Gitika disagrees. The average number of days she spends on such trips per year is less than ten since she believes that while being a parent is important, it is equally important that she has a life of her own as an individual. She always tells her kid one thing – “Your family is your home. You are allowed to become your own person and explore the world. Home will always be here – waiting to give you all the comfort you need. Family does not imprison you. It liberates you.”
Gitika knows what she is teaching her children. She is defining boundaries and making them learn that besides parenting there is a whole lot to life. She urges her children to explore their individuality and sets the example by being her own individual first. After all, children learn from what they observe and if they keep living in an environment where there are no boundaries among family members, they will never outgrow the collectivist system. So Gitika’s children understand that their mom is a woman, a friend, a wife, and above all, her own self. Her children are independent and know that it is important to give each other space in relationships. There is an ‘I’ and ‘You’ sometimes, not just ‘Us.’
Why is defining boundaries with your child important?
A sapling needs space to spread its root in order to grow. If proper space is not given, no real growth can ever occur. The same goes for a family. Family members should facilitate each other’s growth and not hinder it by becoming overinvolved in each other’s business.
Love is not a noun but a verb. Overprotecting your children and ensuring that your life revolves all around them sends a very insensible and myopic image of life. A child needs to feel loved, not smothered. Hence, it becomes significantly pertinent that boundaries are set and roles are defined. As a parent, it is your responsibility that your child learns to identify themselves with their individuality.
Defining boundaries with your child is important because it makes people understand each other’s needs and respect them. Without understanding and respect, a relationship festers. Children begin to not trust their parents and may feel trapped.
Similarly, parents, too, have to learn that life is not all about parenting now that they have children. Having children does not mean that you stop exploring or growing as an individual. You are your child’s role model; so, first, you have to learn to set boundaries.
Understanding boundaries with your child in Indian context
India is a collectivistic culture where an individual is brought up in an environment where family, friends, social circle, etc., all play an important role. Accordingly, their life influences each other’s. What society is going to think is more important than what our children want. In such a culture, groups are prioritized over an individual. Asian parents are notorious when it comes to controlling their children and forgetting all about boundaries. So, how to escape this system of undefined boundaries?
How to define boundaries with your child?
Well, here are some things for you to consider:
1. Set Rules
Boundaries are easier to draw when there are clearly defined set of rules. Parents and children can sit down and make a list of things they expect or do not expect from one another. For instance, you can tell your child not to cry or disturb you unnecessarily when you are out with your friends. Of course, you would need to leave an adult with them to look after them, but they need to understand to not get clingy or call you every ten minutes.
Similarly, your children can tell you what they expect from you and what bothers them. A few children hate it when their parents shower them with love in front of their friends as they feel embarrassed. If your child feels that way and insists not to do something like that in front of others, then you need to clearly respect your child’s wish.
2. Understand each other’s needs
Teach your child what is okay and what is not; and learn the practice when it comes to your children. Defining boundaries is a two-way street. One aspect of this is the need for affection. Some people do not like to be over-affectionate or touchy. If you do not like that as a parent, then it is important you let your child know so that they do not misinterpret your lack of affection and think that you do not love them.
The same way, you need to understand if your child likes it when you are overly affectionate with them. Just because they are cute and that they are your child does not mean you have to smother them with kisses. If your child says, “It is yucky!” you must respect their feelings. You can ask them, “Do you not like it when I kiss you? Or do you want me not to?” Accordingly, you can modify your behavior and the degree of affection they feel comfortable with.
3. Let them explore and get disappointed
While as a parent, you may want to protect your child from the harsh realities of the world, that is not healthy. You need to step back and let them do their own thing once in a while. This will foster autonomy. Let them learn from their own mistakes.
As a parent, you make so many decisions and your child observes you. You cannot always prevent them from taking decisions on their own without sounding like a hypocrite. While your age and experience give you the free pass to make decisions, children are likely to not understand that.
So, you can make them understand about age-appropriate behavior and divide the tasks so that while buying veggies and experimenting with cuisines remain your job, the decision to choose a sport or hobby remains with your child.
It is necessary you assure them that they are free to explore and in case they ever fall, you will be there to pick them up. Let them learn from their mistakes and give them a chance to know the real world.
4. Ask them to define their ‘identity’
The purpose of defining boundaries is so that as an individual both you and your child have autonomy and a strong sense of identity. Asking your child to define their identity and how they perceive themselves to be would help in making them learn and explore more beyond the world of their immediate family.
Ask them, “Who are you?” or “How do you see yourself as an individual?” You can give them an example of yours, saying “I am a proud mother of two kids and three Banyan trees. I am an environmentalist and try to live a sustainable life, occasionally overindulging.” This would help your child understand what they love as a person and where their interests lie.
The preschool introduction will not cut it anymore. You have to make your child understand that they are more than the family name they share or the school they attend.
Conclusion: Defining boundaries with your child
While it is natural to feel the need to protect your child from all the bad things in life and not let them explore anything on their own, as a parent, you have to learn to let go. You have to understand one day they will grow up, and they will eventually have to face the world. Defining boundaries helps both you and your child to grow wonderfully with added benefits of high self-esteem, problem-solving skills, autonomy, less stress, strong identity, etc. As Brene Brown once said, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Clear boundaries can help you maintain healthy and happy relations.
