Death is a complex concept for anyone to talk about or process, but it can be especially challenging for children. They have little experience with death, and they may not know how to react when someone they care about dies.
They might not even understand what death means.
It’s important to explain death in a way that children can understand so they don’t feel scared or confused. Along with death, people’s reactions to it can also confuse children.
So, it’s crucial to talk about both the concept of death and how people react to it in a developmentally appropriate way for your child; how to explain death to a child.
Difficulties in Explaining Death to Child
When children are very young, they may not have a full understanding of death. They may think that death is something that can be reversed, like going to sleep. As children get older, they become more aware of what death means, and it’s final.
Many factors can influence how well a child understands death. These include:
– their age
– whether they have experienced the death of a loved one before
– how close they were to the person who died
– the circumstances of the death
So, it can be difficult for us to know exactly how much a child understands about death. And it can be just as hard for children to talk about their understanding or lack thereof.
So, it’s important to provide opportunities for children to talk about death, ask questions, and express their feelings. It’s also important that we listen to what they have to say without judging or trying to “fix” their feelings.
Also, we might be dealing with our grief, which can make it difficult to talk about death with children. We might feel like we need to protect them from our sadness or keep them from feeling like they need to comfort us.
It’s okay to feel like this. Just remember that it’s important to be honest with children about our feelings and emotions and provide opportunities for them to talk about theirs.
How to Talk About Death With a Child
When talking about death with a child, it’s important to:
1. Understand their level of comprehension
Before you explain death to a child, it’s important to understand how much they already know. This can be difficult to gauge, as children rarely like to talk about death or may be afraid to ask questions.
Based on their age, their grasp of the concept might vary.
- Infants can’t understand the concept at all, but they can sense your emotions.
- Toddlers may not understand death, but they can begin to grasp the idea of finality.
- Elementary kids understand that death is final, but they may still have some misconceptions.
- Tweens and teens generally understand that death is final, but they may still have some questions.
It’s important to consider a child’s level of understanding when talking about death. If you try to explain too much, they may become overwhelmed or confused. It might be better to provide brief, simple explanations and save more complicated discussions for later.
2. When to talk?
You might want to wait until the funeral is over or even later to protect their feelings. However, it’s often better to talk about death before the funeral.
This can help children feel more prepared, and less overwhelmed at the time of the funeral.
This can help children feel more prepared and less overwhelmed.
If you’re unsure when to talk, ask the child what they think. They may have some ideas about when and how they would like to talk.
3. Use simple words and phrases
We talk about death using terms like ‘passed away’ and ‘moved on.’ But these phrases can confuse our children. It’s better to use simpler and straightforward words like ‘dead’ or ‘gone.’
Why?
Because these words are less open to interpretation. They can help children understand that death is final and that the person who died will not be coming back.
It’s unnecessary to give all the details about the death. It can confuse and overwhelm the kids. Better to stick to the basics.
For example, you might say, “Grandma died of cancer. Cancer is a sickness that made her exhausted and weak. Her body stopped working, and she died.”
4. Encourage questions
It’s helpful to encourage questions. This shows children it’s okay to talk about death and that we’re open to answering their questions.
We might not have all the answers to their questions. That’s okay too. We can tell them we don’t know the answer but will try to find out. Or we can say something like, “That’s a good question. Let me think about that for a moment.”
5. Normalize feelings
It’s important to normalize a child’s feelings. They might feel scared, sad, angry, or confused. These are all normal reactions to death.
We can tell children it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. We can also share our feelings with them. For example, “I’m feeling really sad right now too.”
If you are planning on attending a funeral, let your child know ahead of time. This will give them time to process their feelings and ask questions they might have.
You can explain that attending a funeral is a way to show respect for the person who died.
Funeral homes can be overwhelming for children with all the people, flowers, and sadness. Have them sit with you and explain what is happening.
You can tell them that this is a place where people go to say goodbye to someone who has died.
6. Be honest
It’s important to be honest with children about death. This can help them understand what has happened and feel more comfortable talking about their feelings.
We might want to protect children from the truth or keep them from feeling like they need to comfort us. But it’s important to remember that children are often more resilient than we give them credit for.
What to Expect From the Child
Each child will grieve in their way.
Some children might cry often, while others might seem distant or withdrawn. Some might have many questions, while others might not say much at all.
It’s important to let children grieve in their way and not try to force them to express their feelings in a certain way.
It’s also important to remember that children might not express their grief right away. They might need some time to process what has happened.
Grief can be a confusing and overwhelming emotion. So, give them space to deal with it in their way.
Recommended reading: What Is Toxic Positivity?
Important Things to Remember When You Explain Death To A Child
- Make sure that you talk to your child about death in a safe and comfortable environment. This might be at home or in a quiet place outside where you aren’t interrupted.
- Let your child lead the conversation. They might want to talk about death a lot, or they might not say much at all. Follow their lead and let them share as much or as little as they want to.
- Don’t let relatives or friends pressure you into talking about death more than you’re comfortable with. It’s important to do what feels right for you and your child.
- Don’t expect your child to react in a certain way and push them to it. Each child will grieve in their way and they might not express their emotions right away.
- Be patient with your child and yourself. Grief is a process that takes time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
- Be careful when you are giving a religious explanation of death. Some children might not be ready to hear about concepts like heaven or reincarnation. It is best to stick with the facts and let them ask questions if they want to know more.
Question Children Might Have
1. “What happens when people die?”
You can say something along the lines of, ‘When a person dies, their body stops working. They can’t breathe, eat, or drink. We feel really sad when someone we love dies because we miss them.’
2. “What caused the person to die?”
You can say something like, ‘There are lots of different reasons people might die. Sometimes people die because they are sick or because of an accident.’
3. “Will I die?”
Say something like, ‘Everyone and every living thing like plants and animals die, eventually. But it usually happens when people are much older.’
4. “Where do people go when they die?”
This is a tough question, and there is no one right answer. You can say something like, ‘Some people believe that our spirit goes to a different place when our bodies die. But we don’t know for sure what will happen.’
5. “Can people come back from the dead?”
You can say, ‘No, people can’t come back from the dead. Once a person dies, they are gone forever.’
6. “Will you die?”
You can say, ‘Yes, everyone dies eventually, and that’s okay. But adults live for many years and take care of their children. So, you don’t have to worry about me dying anytime soon.’
7. “What if I want to talk to them?”
You can say something like, ‘If you want, you can talk to them in your thoughts or write them a letter, though they can no longer respond to you.’
Recommended reading: What to Do When Your Child Loses a Pet
Conclusion: How To Explain Death To A Child
Death is a natural process that happens to everyone. Children need to know this, so they don’t feel scared or alone when someone dies.
Making it a taboo subject doesn’t help anyone. It will only make it harder for them when they experience loss.
If you are experiencing too much grief yourself, it is okay to tell your child that you need some time to deal with your own emotions and talk to them later. It is also okay to ask for help from a trusted relative or friend.
Remember, there is no one right way to deal with death. Do what feels right for you and your child.
