Children learn from what they see, and everything they witness at home becomes a base for them to build on their perceptions about the world. They reflect the language, behaviors, and actions of the adults around them.
What happens when a child watches the parents fight every day?
How does it affect the mental and physical health of the child?
If your marriage has become toxic, it is necessary to check how it’s affecting your children. Unhealthy and toxic relationships between parents have severe negative impact on the children.
I. Understanding the Dynamics of Toxic Relationships
A toxic relationship is characterized by a pattern of unhealthy behaviors, dynamics, and communication that erode the emotional well-being and sense of security within the family.
In a toxic relationship between parents, the signs and manifestations may vary, but they often include elements of control, manipulation, disrespect, and emotional or even physical abuse. The toxic behaviors between parents can create a hostile and volatile environment that negatively affects everyone in the family, particularly children who are more vulnerable and impressionable.
Signs of toxic relationship between parents
One common sign of a toxic relationship between parents is constant manipulation and emotional manipulation. This can involve using guilt, blame, or manipulation tactics to control and undermine the other partner’s sense of self-worth and decision-making abilities. For example, one parent may constantly guilt trip the other by saying things like, “You’re a terrible spouse if you don’t do exactly what I want.”
Another toxic aspect is the presence of disrespect and belittlement. In a toxic relationship, partners may engage in frequent criticism, insults, or derogatory comments towards each other. This constant negativity erodes trust, respect, and intimacy between the couple, creating an atmosphere of hostility and emotional distress.
Physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual violence can also be prevalent in toxic relationships between parents. These abusive behaviors create an unsafe and traumatic environment for both the spouses and any children involved. Witnessing or experiencing such violence can have long-lasting psychological effects and can perpetuate a cycle of abusive behavior in future relationships.
Toxic relationships between parents often involve a lack of empathy, compassion, and support. Instead of nurturing and uplifting each other, parents may prioritize their own needs and desires at the expense of their partner’s well-being. This disregard for each other’s emotional needs can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and resentment.
Recommended reading: Domestic Violence and Its Impact On Children
Recommended reading: How Family Dynamics Impact Emotional Development In Children
II. How Toxic Relationships Impact Children?
Here are some of the ways how toxic relationships impact children.
1. Children become anxious.
Hearing sounds of ugly fights and observing the aftermath like bruises and broken items create a stressful environment for kids. They become aware of the tension between the parents and start feeling unsafe at home. A place that is supposed to be heaven turns into something they want to escape.
Recommended reading: Typical Childhood Anxieties and How They Manifest In Adulthood
2. Children become aggressive.
The frustration and fear caused by watching fights and physical abuse in the family can turn into resentment. When children witness domestic abuse, they develop anger towards the abuser and become aggressive. They also become angry because the victim is not able to protect themselves.
Seeing parents argue at all the time also sets a bad example of conflict management skills. They learn that fighting and violence are effective ways to settle disputes. Children from abusive families may resort to violence and threats when they face a crisis due to a lack of proper guidance and a good role model at home. Worse, their adult relationships might reflect their childhood experiences and observations.
3. Children have low self-esteem.
Watching parents fight with each other makes a child feel helpless, guilty, and rejected. They might blame themselves for the discord between the parents.
When parents are busy fighting, they usually neglect the emotional needs of the kids. As a result, children tend to lose confidence and start feeling insecure. A friendly child who loves making new friends might suddenly become shy and awkward socially. They might begin avoiding social events.
4. Children struggle with relationship issues.
As a child watches the parents fight frequently, they start fighting with siblings and friends. They grow up to become distrustful of others. They are also unlikely to be interested in entering a healthy, committed relationship.
5. Children cannot concentrate on their studies.
A toxic relationship between parents leads to the absence of a safe environment that fosters learning and growth. They might perform poorly in academics due to the distraction and stress at home.
Researches show that living in a dysfunctional family can interfere with the child’s ability to learn and solve problems. They get poor grades and might eventually drop out of school.
6. Children have poor mental health.
Besides the general anxiety, here are other signs your toxic relationship is affecting your child. Often children are at the risk of developing mental health issues like anxiety disorder, childhood trauma and depression when exposed to intense fighting for a prolonged period. They may develop eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia and show stress-related symptoms like headaches. Stress during childhood increases the risk of exposing them to diabetes, heart diseases, and low immunity.
7. Children go through loyalty conflict.
Children are always stuck in the middle when parents fight. While many children remain neutral towards both parents, some decide to align with one parent and reject the other. When a child is forced to take sides, they feel guilty and stressed. Naturally, they want their parents to get along and live together peacefully.
8. Children may have behavior problems.
Neglected kids are more likely to indulge in drinking, smoking, substance abuse, early sex debut, and other risky behaviors than kids from stable families. They have a hard time adjusting at school and mingling with peers.
In their study on how toxic relationships impact children, researchers have linked delinquency to unsafe and volatile households. It is also one of the factors that encourage runaway behavior among children.
III. Factors Influencing the Impact of Toxic Relationships
1. Duration and severity of the toxic relationship
The duration and severity of a toxic relationship play a significant role in determining the impact on children. Prolonged exposure to toxic dynamics can have more profound and long-lasting effects. Children who have grown up in a toxic environment may have experienced consistent patterns of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, leading to trauma and a distorted sense of normalcy. The intensity and frequency of negative interactions within the relationship can exacerbate the harm caused to the child’s emotional and psychological well-being.
2. Support systems and resources available to the child
The presence of a strong support system and access to resources can greatly influence how a child is impacted by a toxic relationship. Supportive adults, such as extended family members, teachers, mentors, or friends, can provide a safe and nurturing environment outside the toxic relationship. These individuals can offer emotional support, guidance, and positive role modeling, helping to counterbalance the negative effects of the toxic relationship. Access to resources such as counseling services, therapy, or support groups can also provide children with the tools and skills necessary to cope with the challenges they may face.
3. Resilience and coping mechanisms
The resilience and coping mechanisms of a child can significantly impact their ability to navigate and recover from a toxic relationship. Some children may naturally possess greater resilience, which allows them to adapt and cope with adverse circumstances more effectively. Additionally, the presence of healthy coping mechanisms, such as self-expression through art or writing, engaging in physical activities, or seeking social support, can provide children with outlets to manage their emotions and build resilience. However, it is important to note that every child is different, and the ability to develop resilience and coping mechanisms can be influenced by various factors, including age, temperament, and previous experiences.
Understanding these factors is crucial in recognizing the complexities of the impact of toxic relationships on children. By considering the duration and severity of the toxic relationship, the availability of support systems and resources, and the child’s resilience and coping mechanisms, we can better assess their needs and provide appropriate interventions and support to help them heal and thrive.
IV. What are the Coping Strategies for the Child Living with Toxic Family Members?
Coping with toxic family members can be an overwhelming and challenging experience for a child. However, there are several coping strategies that can help them navigate the difficult circumstances and protect their emotional well-being.
1. Journaling
One effective coping strategy for a child living with toxic family members is to express their feelings by writing them down. Keeping a journal or diary allows the child to vent their emotions, fears, and frustrations in a safe and private space. This can provide a sense of release and emotional relief.
2. Engaging in a hobby
Engaging in hobbies and activities that bring joy and fulfillment is another valuable coping mechanism. By immersing themselves in activities they enjoy, such as art, music, sports, or reading, the child can find solace and escape from the toxic environment. Hobbies provide a sense of accomplishment, boost self-esteem, and serve as a healthy outlet for stress and negative emotions.
3. Seeking support
Seeking support is crucial for a child living in a toxic family. They can reach out to a trusted adult, such as a teacher, counselor, or family friend, who can provide guidance, understanding, and support. Professional help from therapists or counselors specializing in child welfare can also offer valuable insights and coping strategies.
In severe cases of abuse or neglect, reaching out to child protection agencies, such as UNICEF or local child welfare organizations, can provide essential assistance. These agencies are equipped to handle and intervene in situations where a child’s safety and well-being are at risk, providing protection, legal support, and resources to ensure the child’s welfare.
V. How to Cope with the Consequences of Growing Up in Family with Toxic Relationships?
Coping with the consequences of growing up in a family with toxic relationships can be a challenging journey, but there are strategies that can help individuals navigate their way towards healing and personal growth.
1. Create a positive environment for yourself
Surround yourself with supportive and positive influences. Seek out healthy relationships with friends, mentors, or support groups who can provide encouragement, guidance, and understanding. These individuals can motivate you to make positive changes, celebrate your successes, and offer the necessary support when facing difficulties.
2. Take control for your life
While the toxic family dynamic may have influenced your past, as an adult, you have the power to shape your future. Recognize that you have the ability to break free from the patterns and behaviors that were ingrained during childhood. Focus on personal growth, self-care, and making choices that align with your values and aspirations.
3. Practice self-compassion and self-care
It’s essential to prioritize your well-being and engage in activities that promote self-care, such as exercise, mindfulness, hobbies, and self-reflection. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate the healing process. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace and acknowledge the progress you make along the way.
4. Build a support network
Building a support network of understanding and empathetic individuals is vital. Connect with others who have experienced similar situations, either through support groups or online communities. Sharing your stories and experiences with individuals who can relate can provide validation, comfort, and a sense of belonging.
5. Set boundaries
Protect your emotional well-being by establishing clear boundaries and limiting interactions with individuals who continue to exhibit toxic behaviors. Prioritize your own mental health and surround yourself with people who respect and uplift you.
6. Seek professional help
Therapy provides a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your childhood experiences, process emotions, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. A psychotherapist can help you work through past traumas, challenge negative beliefs, and support you in creating a more constructive model of behavior for your own family.
Remember, coping with the consequences of growing up in a family with toxic relationships takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, seek support, and focus on your own healing and personal growth. With determination and the right resources, it is possible to break free from the negative impacts of a toxic family environment and create a healthier and happier life for yourself.
VI. Advice from Psychologists for Parents in Toxic Relationships
Often toxic relationships thrive in fear of losing the special bond with a partner. Often people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships in the hope of rekindling love or changing the other person. Getting out of a toxic relationship when you have children becomes even more complex. Especially when children are involved, parents try to stay together for the sake of the kids. Whereas, the reality is that children do better when parents take steps to end the conflict as soon as possible, even if that means getting a divorce. So reconsider if it is worth staying in a toxic relationship for your child.
- Encourage better communication and allow your children to express how they feel about the situation. If you are separating from your partner, talk to your child about divorce in an age appropriate manner.
- It is best to avoid fighting with your partner or insulting them in front of your children.
- Never force your child to favor you over the other parent. Understand that they need care and support from both parents. But if your co-parent is a narcissist, prioritize protecting your child from the narcissistic parent.
