Parenting, in particular, seems to be challenging for introverts as you tend to lose out on the alone time you had before you had kids. The free time that was once your own is now taken by your lovely little humans, who can be tremendously demanding, draining you both emotionally and physically. As an introvert mom, a sudden increase in noise and chaos with parenthood can get on to your nerves. Some of you might have even surprised yourselves when you discovered that anger is your new middle name. Realize that anger is a natural response. Anger is an indicator to pause, reflect, and change how you are doing something.
I am an introvert mom who embraces solo time and derives energy from solitude. There is constant conflict in my head between the need for solo time and the demands of parenting. Over the past couple of years, I have tried different coping strategies. Some worked. Some didn’t. Here are some of my favorite coping strategies that have helped me feel less depleted.
1. Understand and accept yourself.
Once you are able to accept your inane personality as introvert mom truly, you will stop feeling guilty about seeking alone time for your sanity and start planning your days around your needs. That’s when things will begin to change.
Parenting is a marathon and not a sprint. Even if you suppress your needs today, you will not be able to sustain it for the next 20 years.
And even if you succeed in practicing such unhealthy suppression and apparently see value in it, know that this can have long-term physical and mental health consequences from constant stress and anxiety.
2. Create routines incorporating your alone time.
I have seen many parents who feel that alone time is only possible during child’s nap time. But I have personally tried different alternatives and arrived at what I will share with you now. Take a good look at your daily schedule, weekly and monthly calendar. Analyze them well to carve out moments of free time.
Some examples of small changes that you can make in your daily routine can be:
1. Wake up 15 minutes early. That way your morning time will increase by 15 mins. Use this 15 mins anytime before your kid wakes up to sip your cup of morning coffee with your own company in the balcony or garden.
2. If you pursue a hobby or at least pursued one before you became a parent, spend 30 minutes doing what you absolutely love when your kids are playing outside. I love to sketch. I steal the 30 mins to do that. You can also practice yoga at this time. Or read a book. Do whatever you need to recharge.
3. Say, your child goes for music classes. You went to pick her up but reached 10 minutes early. Don’t force yourself to interact with everyone, every other parent. Park your car a few yards before the training center and listen to your favorite song.
4. You can seek out some more alone time by hiring a nanny or house help. As long as your child is in safe and loving hands, you don’t have to worry about them.
Now, look at your weekly schedule.
1. Note your partner’s weekly day-offs. Mark the dates when there is a public holiday or a festival. The idea is to figure out the days when your partner can take care of the child for at least a couple of hours without any involvement from you.
2. Say, your child goes to dance classes once a week for an hour. After dropping her at the class, don’t be compelled to stay back and interact with everyone. Instead, take yourself out for a coffee.
Typically you can get 45 minutes to 2 hours each week over and above your daily alone times.
And now finally time for your monthly schedule.
1. This may be a grandparent’s visit. Plan a movie night or a date night with your partner during their stay.
In this way, you are not neglecting your parenting duties but making skillful choices so that you are calm and happy when you are with your child.
Recommended reading: Self Care Ideas For Working Mothers
3. Create boundaries with your child.
Let the boundaries become a natural part of growing up for your child. You can teach your child that mom and dad have quiet times at some times of the days (this can even be 15 mins), and interruption is allowed only if there is an absolute necessity.
Schedules and routines can help to a large extent to meet an introvert’s needs as you can avoid chaos in this way.
Plan a 1-o-1 mom and me time each day when you interact and engage with your child to do what they enjoy. With such 1-o-1 time slots, your kids won’t feel attention-deprived. They will be better behaved as they will stop acting out to get your attention. They will be more accepting when you teach them to give mom and dad some alone time. So a win-win situation for both!
4. Use your downtime wisely.
During the alone time introverts reflect on their emotions, put themselves in a feedback loop, and continuously learn and grow. This helps introverts be composed and self-assured. To understand introversion better read the book Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking by Susan Cain. But with kids, when you have some downtime, you might be tempted to do the dishes or cook or organize the house.
Don’t do that. It will only make you overwhelmed.
I already see some of you still wondering what did I just say? Organize the house when kids are around? But how? They are the ones who make the house messy! Trust me, I do this, and I have been very successful. Involve the children in the organizing process. Engage them in household chores.
Introverts are more creative. Research has proven this time and again. So, get creative and generate unique ideas for spending your alone time as an introvert mom.
5. Set social limits.
It is okay to say no. We all know socialization with other parents and caregivers is a part of parenting. But you don’t need to agree on every mom’s day out or be on every committee.
Introversion occurs on a spectrum. Understand your limits as an introvert mom. Think through how you feel in different situations. You may find that you cope better in a playground than in a loud birthday party. Tune your energy level in each setting, find your tolerance limit, and plan accordingly.
6. Don’t feel pressured to give in to the popular culture.
Are you chasing unhappiness under peer pressure. Think through and do what you think is right rather than follow the pop culture. Don’t chase unhappiness under peer pressure. For instance, hosting a big fat birthday party for your child every year might not resonate with your temperament.
Remember, you have a strong sense of self, which gives you the confidence to carve out your own parenthood pathways. So be confident and explore alternatives like travel, charity, plant a tree, etc., for your kid’s birthday. I will give you my example here. For my daughter’s first birthday, I chose to go on a trip to the hills instead of throwing a birthday party at a happening place.
Remember this:
By taking good care of ourselves, we can take good care of others. If you are seeking alone time, it is not being selfish. It is self-care.
Recommended reading: 8 Tips to Care for Your Introvert Child Better
