The thought of having to talk to your kids about sex can horrify and make you cringe. And it’s understandable.
Sex education was non-existent for our generation. My parents never told me anything about it, and I remember them making up random stuff when I asked questions as a kid. All the sex education I got was from the backbench conversations in school.
While we might like to think that we turned out fine with this, it won’t work anymore. Even for us, it made sex a taboo topic that we feel extremely awkward thinking of talking about sex to our kids.
The next generation will get more exposure than us at an early age. So, there is a high risk of kids growing up with misconceptions and misinformation on these topics.
Besides, you need to make sure that your kid trusts you with sensitive topics like sex so that they come to you for advice and support. And for that, you need to be the one starting this conversation and making it normal.
Sex talk: Not just about sex
When you talk to your kids about sex, the first thing to remember is that it’s not just about sex.
It’s about relationships, emotions, and communication. It is also about inclusivity, breaking gender stereotypes, normalizing taboos and more. So you need to start by laying a firm foundation of communication with your kids.
When talking to your kids about sex, it’s important to remember that sex education is just a tiny part of their overall biological and psychological understanding. This means that you need to be open and honest with them about everything related to sex, not just the mechanics.
This includes topics like:
- How babies are made
- Puberty
- Inclusivity
- Good touch and bad touch
- Busting myths and taboos
- Relationships and consent
- Sexual abuse and safety
- Navigating social media
- And more
How to talk to your kids about sex
Most movies show parents having “the talk” with their kids, mostly when they are in high school. It’s an extremely awkward conversation that both just want to be done with.
Yea, that’s the perfect example of how not to talk to your kids about sex.
Sex is not a one-off conversation. Information around sex should be given over time, and you can start laying the groundwork when they are as young as one.
Age 0 – 2 years
You don’t need to talk about sex specifically with kids this age, but you can start laying the base for future conversations.
1. Start with this
Talk about body parts using proper names instead of cutesy names. This is the starting point of de-stigmatizing things about sex and removing shame from it.
When you think about it, the penis and vagina are just body parts, like the nose and ankle. Why give them funny names instead of calling them what they are like we do for other parts?
This thought process will automatically happen to your kid when you practice using proper names for the genitals. It will also help them understand their body better and report any medical conditions in the future.
2. Keep biology and gender labels separate
One thing you need to remember while talking about body parts is not to connect them with gender identity. For example, instead of saying ‘girls have a vagina’, say ‘people with a vagina.’
This will help them better grasp non-binary gender identities in the future.
3. Exploring their body (close to 2 years)
Kids touch their genitals often and we feel the rush to just tell them not to.
Resist that urge. And at any cost, don’t shame them into stopping them. Instead, talk to kids about how it’s something that they should do in private and not in public.
Age 3 – 5 years
At this age, the child will ask questions, and you can expect the dreaded, ‘how are babies made?’ While you need to give an honest answer, you don’t have to provide details to them.
Why?
Because kids can process only so much at this age and are usually happy with a vague answer. But it’s important not to brush it off.
1. Time for physical boundaries
This is the right age for you to establish and make them understand the importance of physical boundaries.
They should be one to decide who they want to be physically close to. And you should prepare them for this. How?
If your kid says they don’t want to hug a relative, don’t force them to do it. Tell them they can be open to you about it. The same goes for playing with other kids.
Another way to make your kid understand physical boundaries is by establishing your own. Remember, even if you are a parent, you’re entitled to have privacy and sometimes just be by yourself. In such scenarios, explain to your kid that you don’t want to touch them at that moment and will be right back with them after a break.
No, this doesn’t mean you’re a poor parent. Rather, you’re teaching something highly valuable here: the importance of having physical boundaries.
2. “How are babies made?”
The answer to this question depends on how much your kid can absorb information. But you can say something like ‘babies are made when a sperm and an egg get together.’
Try to include different pregnancies (like IVF and surrogacy) when you explain.
You can get some books on this subject and read them along with your kid instead of coming up with your own explanation. Again, make sure that it does not expose your kid to only traditional heterosexual stories.
Age 6 – 8 years
Between 6 to 8 years, kids are very curious about their own bodies and others’. They notice how you look different from them and why their father has facial hair that you and they don’t have.
Kids at this age are also hearing things in school and closely watching what you are watching on TV and stuff.
So, when you talk to your kids about sex, be ready to be bombarded with questions. Some of them might even shock you.
1. Introduce puberty
Puberty is a time when kids’ bodies change and develop. They’ll grow taller and wider, and their body will produce hormones that will make them look and feel like an adult. Puberty can be a confusing time for kids, but it’s also a time of substantial change and growth.
So, don’t let them go through it unprepared.
6 to 8 years is the right time to introduce what’s coming shortly. Tell them they’ll probably start noticing changes in their skin, hair, and body. They may get acne, grow body hair, and develop new muscles.
More importantly, tell them it’s normal and that everyone goes through it to become an adult. Show them pictures of your transformation at that age.
While you don’t have to give a lot of details about puberty yet, make sure that you teach them about all genders and not just theirs.
2. Navigating questions
Here’s one thing you need to remember before answering any of your kid’s questions about sensitive topics.
They might not mean what you think they mean.
You don’t want to end up giving the whole sex education when all they wanted to know was what the section ‘sex’ means in a form (wouldn’t that be awkward?!)
So, always ask follow-up questions like ‘where did you hear that word?’ or ‘what made you think about it?’ This will give you clarity on what your kid is really asking about.
3. More details on sex
Along with puberty, you can throw in a little more details about sex like the reproductive system and how certain organs grow to produce babies.
4. Explain sexual abuse
This might be the time to create awareness about sexual abuse. Talk to your child about rape in age appropriate manner.
Start slowly by telling how some people might not respect the physical boundaries of others and how bad it is. Tell them that others shouldn’t touch genitals even in the name of games.
Clarify that they can come to you if anyone doesn’t respect their boundaries.
Age 9 – 12 years
Your kid is clever enough to understand complex concepts by this age, so when you talk yo your kids about sex, you can dive a little deeper into things.
1. Normalize bodily changes
Kids this age become super conscious about their bodily changes. What they see in the media only adds to the stress.
It is important to normalize these changes and tell them it is perfectly natural. Reassure them that everyone goes through this and that they are not alone.
Encourage positive body image by complimenting them on their physical appearance and their personality. Explain to them that everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way. Be a part of the beauty conversation with your daughter.
2. The three S: Sexism, Stereotyping and Sexualization
While we are on bodily changes, these are the other things that you should cover.
Sexism is when people are treated differently and unfairly because of their gender. This happens to both boys and girls, but girls seem to suffer more from it.
Stereotyping is when people are judged based on their gender. For example, girls are supposed to be weak and emotional, while boys are supposed to be tough and insensitive.
Sexualization is when people (usually girls) are sexualized at a young age. This can be in the form of clothing, toys, or even TV shows. It can be quite damaging and lead to self-esteem issues.
Talk to your kids about these things and help them develop a critical mind so that they can see through these harmful messages. Don’t restrict your sons’ emotions. Empower your daughters to say no. Let them know they are in control of their own destiny and no one can tell them what to do.
3. Get clear about sex
At this age, you can tell kids about sex for what it is, the mechanics included.
They might take some time to process it, but reassure them they can always speak to you about how they are feeling about it as well.
4. Time for the first butterflies
The time has come for your child to have their first crush and start thinking about love.
This can be confusing and overwhelming for them.
They might not be sure what these new feelings mean, or how to deal with them. The best thing you can do is talk to them about it and answer questions they might have.
5. Maybe even internet safety
Depending on how much access they have to the internet, talk to them about internet safety. This is especially important if they are using social media.
Explain to them that not everything on the internet is true and that people can be fake. Tell them to never give out personal information, such as their address or phone number.
Age 13 – 16 years
It is a time when teenagers are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. During these years, kids need to have a strong sense of self-awareness and know their personal values.
1. Educate about safe sex and birth control
Now, you might think that this is too early to talk about safe sex and birth control. And that it might trigger them to become sexually active.
No, that’s not the case. Many research has shown that normalized sex education does not make teenagers eager to have sex.
You can start this conversation based on a movie character or when topics like population come by. Find the opportunity and tell them about the different birth control options available.
Teens also need to be aware of the risks associated with sexual activity and how unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy and STDs, which can have serious consequences. Don’t tell this to scare them, but to educate them.
2. Consent and societal stigma
They must’ve heard of some news regarding rape and molestation by now. So, it’s high time you discuss consent with them.
They should know that sex is only consensual when both parties involved want to do it and have agreed to it. Teach your child about consent to help them stay safe and respect other people’s boundaries.
3. The gut feeling
Along with consent, talk about gut feelings and why they should trust them.
Your gut feeling is your intuition, and it’s usually right. If something doesn’t feel right to them, then they should trust that instinct and get out of there.
This can apply to any situation, not just sexual encounters. So, if they ever find themselves in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation, they know what to do.
4. Healthy relationships
Their crushes might slowly turn into relationships. So, it’s important to talk about healthy relationships.
They should know that a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect, trust, and communication. It should make both parties feel good, not bad.
It’s also important to discuss what makes up abuse in a relationship and how they can get out of one.
Age 17 – 19 years
Young adults mostly don’t want to hear anything from you. But if you can and have built a rapport enough to talk about certain things, don’t waste the opportunity.
1. Go deeper into consent
By now, they should know what affirmative consent is. You can reiterate its importance and how it should be the standard for all sexual encounters.
You can also discuss grey areas of consent and how alcohol or drugs can affect someone’s ability to give consent.
2. More on healthy relationship
Talk about healthy relationships in more detail. Now that they are young adults, it’s time to talk about more serious relationships.
What are the signs of a healthy and unhealthy relationship? What should they look out for in a partner?
How can they end a toxic relationship without causing too much drama?
These are all important things that young adults need to know to have healthy and happy relationships.
Tips on talking to your kids about sex
- It’s okay to say, “I will explain this later”, if you don’t know how to respond immediately. But make sure you get back to them with an answer soon.
- When you talk to your kids about sex, start conversations based on your surroundings (for example, animals having babies) or from pop culture.
- Be it getting them books or having conversations about these topics, make sure you are inclusive of all people and family and don’t end up talking about just nuclear heterosexual families.
- Make your everyday conversations inclusive as well.
- Remember that every topic is an ongoing conversation and not a one-time thing. You should engage in these topics as casually as you would talk about a movie or what happened in school.
- Term nothing as bad or demonize things, be it sex, porn or masturbation. Adding shame to them might make them hide things from you now and will make it difficult for them to navigate situations in the future.
- Throw your judgements and preconceived notions out of the window. If they find you to be judgy, they will not open up to you (and it’s not nice to be judgy anyway). Instead, educate yourself and show them you can respect the world they live in.
The truth is, there is no one perfect way to talk about these things, but you must do it. These are topics that your kids need to be educated about, and there’s no shame in that. In fact, it just proves that you’re a responsible parent who wants their child to be safe and educated.
